I'm So Into You
by Fish and Chipz
Summary: A witch tries to control Alucard using a love potion. Too bad he falls in love with someone else. Alucard x OC. ON INDEFINITE HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

Muhahaha I'm back to harass the Hellsing board with MOAR Alucard x OC (and another story title that leaves much to be desired). I can't stay away from writing; ever since I completed Oh My Alucard, this whirlwind of plot bunnies took over and I've been itching to write, and this happened. It's probably going to be short; it is a crazy story, and it probably doesn't make much sense at the moment either.

But you should enjoy it anyway!

* * *

**~ I'm So Into You ~**

* * *

**...**

_The Vampire, the Witch, and a Pizza Delivery Girl_

**…_._**

So what happened today, was that I got the best, damned kiss of my life.

It's too bad he's not interested in me. I try and make myself feel better by reminding myself that I think he is asexual and not to mention, he's kind of both dead and alive and he's literally four to five centuries years old…Not exactly the kind of guy I'd like for my mother to meet, due to the enormous age gap and the whole I'm-living-but-you're-dead-thing going on, but if you must know, his name is Alucard and he has become the victim to a 'love potion' created by a group of evil witches who call themselves the 'Lily Witches' (no surprises there).

Now I'm not exaggerating about how it exactly happened… but what happened earlier on, three hours ago, in fact, was…well, I didn't even believe vampires were real until now.

Three hours ago, and I was being the dopey teenager I was. I wasn't contributing to society in any way nor was I doing anything that was going to make the world a better place. Nope, none of that. I was simply chilling with a co-worker at our workplace – it's called _Bobby's Pizzeria and Takeaway_ by the way - when out of the blue, Shelbie turned to me and asked, "Hey, do you believe in vampires?"

My response was "No," because I didn't back then, before I asked her, "_Why_?"

I guess that was the first clue indicating that my life was going to rocket off to a different direction after the events that would happen later that night, but at that moment, I was too stupid to notice.

And when Shelbie answered with this hazy, dreamy sigh, I knew she was watching that particular vampire movie that had gripped the entire continent (and maybe more); it seemed to play an awful lot on Channel 4 these days.

"It's not real, Shells." I told her, "It's just a movie."

"But don't you wish they _were_? It'd be so romantic to have a vampire lover…"

It was a Sunday evening and we were waiting for an order that had been placed fifteen minutes ago; it was the first order in a period of three hours. Generally, there is no business at Manboobs-Bobby's on a Sunday. The takeaway gets really quiet so we don't have anything to do half the time and Manboobs-Bobby's wasting five pounds an hour on each of us. Anyway, let's move on. There was a loud but soft 'ping' from the bell behind us and there was Manboobs behind the kitchen counter looking all sweaty and greasy and gross in his greying holey vest and jogging pants. He can't help himself; he stands in a kitchen 10 hours a day in front of scorching pizza ovens…but yes, that's right people, think twice next time when you order take-out.

"Oi, Shelly's Friend, take this." said Manboobs, handing me the equally greasy and sticky bag. I secretly call him that because he didn't and hasn't bothered to learn my name, and because of the two obvious, fleshy beanbags drooping from his chest which he shouldn't really have.

"Where's it going to?" I asked, giving the pizza bag a wipe with a damp cloth I retrieved from the counter. I always feel a weird obligation to get this to the customer at least sweat-free.

"To 101 Brookstone Lane."

"Isn't that also known as Spooky Street?" Shelbie murmured absent-mindedly, her shimmery, soulful eyes still glued on the TV.

"Spooky street? What kind of jacked-up name is that?" I had asked.

"Apparently it used to have a graveyard and there were a lot of murders on that street, especially at night. They tore down some of the old houses and the council built newer, bigger houses nearby. People don't really go there anymore unless they're taking a shortcut. It's rumoured to be haunted."

Spooky Street? Graveyard? Murders? At night? Old houses? Haunted? Why wasn't 'DANGER' the first thing that came to my mind from all of that? Oh, yeah, because I'm a doofus. Don't judge me already, I'm not afraid to admit my faults. "Oh, okay." I said, with a shrug, "Be back in fifteen. Watch the counter, Shelly."

And that was my second clue - but again, I didn't notice it.

I left the pizzeria, put on my helmet and safety goggles, then hopped onto my moped which was parked outside. It was getting dark and cold as I placed the pizza delivery into the hidden seat under the soft, squidgy cushion of the moped. I clicked it shut then revved the bike and I was buzzing down the streets in minutes. Spooky street isn't that far, it's just about fifteen to twenty minutes away. I've never driven through it though.

So this is where it all started. As soon as I steered my moped into the entrance of the so-called Spooky Street and parked, I took off my helmet and scratched my head. I was hopelessly lost and the old, outdated map of Bobby's wasn't helping. I guessed Spooky Street had underwent a lot of changes over the years as Shelbie said; they've added more lanes and twisty-turny corners that wasn't there before, that was for sure, and I didn't know if I was at the north of Spooky Street or south. It all looked the same to me and I have a bad sense of direction anyway. I looked around the empty dark street before getting off the bike and scooping the delivery out of the seat-box. I had been planning to go up to a house and ask someone for directions until I saw a house with the lights on – and the door was **open**.

Maybe someone has just returned home, I had thought, although I glanced at their driveway and I did not see a car or anything. I might as well cross my fingers and try my luck, and I trekked over their lawn and towards the open door where I knocked politely. "Heeeelloooo? Is anyone home?" I received no response but I could hear muffled noises coming from the closed door to my left so I reached forwards for the doorknob but I thought to myself, _Isn't this trespassing?_ Oh well, this is not the first illegal thing I have done in my puny, dowdy life. Besides, I just needed help and directions. I'm sure they'll understand. Before I opened the door, however, I heard muffled speech and this time, it was much louder.

"Is that a love potion?" It was a man's voice.

"Smart man." Now it was a lady's voice.

"You wish for me to become your lover?" said the man.

"Yes, darling, and together we shall rule the world."

"World domination. How original."

"Is that sarcasm I hear?"

"It won't work."

"Which one, darling? World domination, or you falling haplessly in love with me?"

"Both."

"That's because you think it affects the heart."

"If I had one."

"My dear, I know you are the heartless one. That's why I purposely made this to affect the _instincts_. Hah! Didn't see that one coming, did you?" The lady was cackling, "Want to know another secret? After you drink this, you will not feel love, only_ lust_. Only I can bring you carnal pleasure. No-one else shall and can, and you will seek comfort from me only. Now, sisters, we must hurry, the moon is at its fullest, and the potion only works if he sees me and _**only**_ me!"

"Yes, Madame."

Wow. I've never heard so much B.S before in my entire life. I opened the door – because I do a lot of stuff that don't make sense - and I saw this large hall that was dimly lit up with pasty-white candles on the floor that were lining the sides of the room. And there was this weird sigil slathered on the walls in red paint and at the end of the room was a bloody altar with this disgusting, fleshy pink thing strewn over the gold mantelpiece.

In front of me was a man in red; he was the only man in the room, and he was being held down by a couple of women hidden in hooded black robes. He was kneeling in front of another woman clad in red robes and I could tell they were locking lips (as if the night could not get any stranger). A fierce blush crept over my face as soon as I saw the smooching couple. Again, that was my third clue telling me to _Get The Fut Out of There_ and my instincts were screaming NOT RIGHTEOUS but I just stood and stared, looking silly and stupid, transfixed and gawking with the pizza bag in my hand.

There was a silence, before the woman in red hooded robes finally noticed my additional presence and broke apart from the man to glare at me, followed by the rest of the women in black hooded robes. Red riding hood was a beautiful woman with her striking, fox-like eyes and thin, bow-shaped lips and chiselled chin, but the other women, the ones in black, were horribly disfigured and had long, grey-skinned branch-like hands. What the - ?

"How the **_hell_** did you get through my barrier?" was the first thing the beautiful woman screeched at me.

What barrier? But then the man in red turned to me, and I froze all over when chilling eyes met mine. From his stare I felt tingles running down my spine and I shivered all over.

"_NO_!" bellowed the red-riding-hood woman as soon as the man and I locked gazes.

"Um…Hi, sorry to interrupt," I said quickly, turning away from the man. Uh oh. I was in pretty deep shit. I might as well just drop everything and run. "Okay, before you get the wrong idea, I thought I could get some help. I mean, I don't normally do this…you know, enter people's homes without their permission…and uh, I'm not trespassing or anything, I swear - I saw the door open and I was hoping that you could kindly give me directions. You see, I have a pizza delivery for a Mr P. Jenkins of 101 Brookstone Lane and - "

Red riding hood turned to her little black-robed minions in disbelief and fury, and in exchange, some shrugged while others simply refused to meet her murderous gaze. With a shrill scream of "_SOMEBODY KILL THAT WENCH!_" Red riding hood pointed a crimson, shiny, painted fingernail at my direction.

"Who, me?" I said, and the creepy tree-women in black robes left the man in red and were now hobbling towards me, emitting bird-like screeches and their backs all hunched over and their scaly, tree-like hands reaching for me. Yet, before the bird…tree…_women_…whatever the hell they were, could reach me, there was the deafening noise of a gun being fired and one hag fell to her knees in a pool of blood. "Eek!" I squeaked, and it came out like this high-pitched dolphin squeal which I didn't even think I had in me, because I usually have this deep man voice. It's pretty embarrassing.

And behind the hag-like woman who had just been gunned down, the man in red who had been busy smooching earlier on with Ms Riding Hood stood up, lipstick stains on the corners of his mouth and his shirt partially undone. The room was too dark despite the meek candlelight so I could not see him properly. He was holding two large guns in each hand - one was silver, and the other was a sleek black. With those two mothertruckers, this maniacal grin appeared on his face and he began performing gun-ballet, gun-fu, gun-kata, gun-jutsu, gun-everything and by the time he was finished, I was standing with my bottom jaw touching the floor while every black-robed hag in the vicinity fell to the floor with little bullet holes in their bodies.

They were all.._.dead._

Finally, the man turned to me.

I paled and dropped the pizza. Red riding hood was forgotten as she gawped at the dead bodies of her followers. The scary man took a step towards me, his big hooker boots on the floorboards going 'thunk, thunk, thunk' with each heavy step. Hidden behind the raven hair and the vicious sneer, were two piercing ruby eyes. Demon eyes. Without hesitating any longer I spun on my heel and dashed down the same way I had come, flinging open the front door. "AAAARRRGHHH!" I screamed with my arms in the air, and I dashed to my parked moped and flung one of my legs over the seat. As soon as my butt touched the cushion I stuck the key in and revved the bike and steered out of Spooky Street, constantly throwing glances behind my shoulder to see if the man was following but I could see no-one and I thought I was safe but then –

**CRASH!**

I lurched forwards and my little body flew over the handlebars as soon as the moped rammed into a lamppost. Smooth move, doofus.

Before I fell head-first and was one hundred per cent sure that I'd be seeing my dead grandparents real soon, I landed on something stiff but soft, and realised it was someone's arms. I looked up with a gasp, stunned; it was the red scary guy I had ran away from. What was he doing here? How did he even get here so fast? What was he going to do to me?

He was staring at me; he did nothing else, just... _stare_.

Stare.  
Stare.  
And stare…

…before he suddenly crammed his lips against mine.

Now, I don't appreciate complete and utter strangers trying to snog my face off although it was quite the enjoyable experience, because he was a good kisser. I did flail and wriggle in an attempt to escape but this only caused him to increase his grip on me as his eyes fluttered to a close. His lips were cold but gentle, and his mouth was wide enough to cover every contour of my lips. He kissed me with so much passion and enthusiasm I was left breathless and dizzy.

But all good things must come to an end, and when my air supply was getting short, he didn't seem to notice – instead, his wicked lips spread apart and he slipped his tongue into the cave of my mouth; I began to struggle and push at his shoulder in protest but it was useless. The man was holding me against him, and ravishing me like I was the last sandwich in the world or something. He would not let go no matter what, with his arms wrapped snugly around my waist while the other was clamped around my back. I went lightheaded as my breath gradually shortened, my poor lips being plundered over and over again by this rampaging madman who shot down four hag women with his motherfunker guns.

"Alucard, control yourself!"

I opened my eyes and swerved my gaze to source of the voice; there was a long-haired individual standing before us who had come from out of nowhere. The voice was female but the person had a rather empty and bland bodily figure, and was dressed like a man, with the suit, slacks and all.

"Put her down," said Dude-Looks-like-a-Lady, "This isn't like you at all, my servant."

The man in red who had been kissing me suddenly opened his eyes in an instant, before he dropped me with a cold and almost bitter abruptness. I fell to the ground on my butt, and looked up meekly. Immediately he wiped his lips with the back of his gloved hand and I am being honest here - I _did_ feel a little offended, especially when he glared at me as though I was dog poo on his shoes. Then he turned to Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady who removed an ear and mouthpiece from the lapel of his/her suit jacket, "…Master, I…"

"What happened? We lost contact as soon as you went inside the house."

"There was a barrier. And I have been cursed by the witch!" He snarled angrily under his breath with his deep, rumbly voice.

"Cursed?"

The man in red went silent then, although he was now gazing at Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady with a tight-lipped frown, as though he was incredibly angry with himself. "It was a love potion." I quickly babbled out, remembering the conversation I had unintentionally eavesdropped on, and I swear I saw him twitch slightly at my sudden, and completely uncalled for, reply.

"_Love _potion? Of course…That would explain your erratic…behaviour, and the rest of the Lily Witches have escaped while you were…" Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady paused to throw his/her cobalt blue eyes from the man to me, "…busy."

The man scowled under his breath.

Now that I had a better look at him since the street was well-lit compared to that dingy hall, I think my heart skip-skipped a beat as my eyes landed on his face. He was growling, yes, but whoa, mama - Never had a scowling, cursing, snarling man looked so…so…Hmm, what was the right word? Ah, I know: Hubba hubba! Errrk errrk! Wah wah! Bing bong bing bong. Hoooowwwwl! Awooooooga! Yeehaw! Pow chicka wow-wow! Homina homina homina! Boom shaka-laka-laka boom shaka-laka-laka -

"Miss? Miss!"

I snapped out of my musings. "Huh?"

Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady was glancing at my direction, "Are you alright?"

"Uh…lemme think…"

"Master, this…_Pizza Girl _is no-one we should concern ourselves with." barked the man who had rammed his strawberry-shoelace tongue down my throat two minutes ago.

The throb in my chest died down immediately. "Heeeey, I can hear you, you know! And I have a right to be of your concern - I'm the victim here! What the heck is going on?" I huffed as I stood back up whilst eyeballing him angrily. I was nowhere as tall as either of them, which made me feel a bit like a dwarf. "Who are you people anyway? Are you with the MI5?"

No-one replied, so I tried again.

"MI6? MI7? MI8?" I could go on forever. There was a total of MI's all the way to MI19. And let's not forget the GCHQ, the SOCA, the JIC and the DIS.

Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady made a disgruntled noise, still with no answer, "Alucard, let's go. We should retire for the night; I'll get Walter to investigate for a potential cure." When I thought I was going to be ignored as I usually am, Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady turned to face me, "And _you_, Miss…?"

"Whoa, hold it," I said, "I'm not telling you people anything until I get an explanation about what just happened."

Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady's lips curled into a thin, small smile, "Very well. You should come with us…"

* * *

**Notes:**

There goes the pilot…I'm hoping to do a story that will be the complete opposite of Oh My Alucard which means I needed to make an OC the complete opposite of Ruby, so we have this (Nameless Girl).

1. 'My heart skip-skipped a beat' are lyrics from the song by Olly Murs.

What happened is that an evil witch tries to control Alucard for world domination using a love potion except he ends up 'falling in love' with someone else by accident; a pizza delivery girl who accidentally walks in during a Hellsing mission. Alucard sees this girl first and the plan is ruined, although he doesn't exactly 'love' her because he can still control himself and is practically insulted/disgusted by her. I thought of this cos rather than having Alucard being all over the girl, it'll be the girl this time :P


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, I wanna thank **blackcat711, Leyshla Gisel, RIP Lynn, Countess Millarca, valkeri4071, Little Miss Oblivious, nekomataonna, Evanescently, ValueMyHeart, nitrogen920** and** Angel Ayame** for the reviews. You guys are awesome. Thanks to those who put this on their favourites and alerts! Prepare yourself for more cringe/craziness in this chapter. No, no, don't get me wrong, this story is deliberately cheesy. The rating also went up because of Pizza Girl's potty mouth too.

* * *

**~ I'm So Into You ~**

* * *

_..._

_Don't Flatter Yourself, Pizza Girl_

_..._

* * *

"Hello?"

"Where are you? Bobby's angrier than the Incredible Hulk! It's not pretty!"

"Sorry! I ran into some problems."

"Traffic problems?"

"Uh…well…"

"Whatever it is, you need to get your ass over here right now! We have five pizza deliveries waiting!"

"Okay, okay, tell the Bobbinator I'll be back soon."

So there I was three hours later with the Red guy and Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady in a tent that was propped up somewhere in the city's central park. Shelbie called and although I felt like I wanted to quit my job cold turkey right there, I decided not to. I was standing in front of a foldable table and I wondered if I was being Punk'd or Being Framed. I was waiting for someone to come inside and go 'Suuuuuurprise!' before I would turn round to see all my family and friends, then ultimately realise that I had been on camera the entire time, and then everyone would dance around me in a circle while throwing confetti, then they would tell me that I had been chosen as a participant on a gameshow to win a brand new spanking convertible. Or even better, the Batmobile. Ohhhhh yeah.

But nothing like that happened, of course. It never does. Life is full of disappointments.

Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady was introduced as Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing while Red guy was Alucard the Vampire; he was as tall as a lamppost and underneath that crimson overcoat, my Hot-Guy senses detected that he had the finesse of an Olympic game contender. You could balance laundry baskets the same way Cinder-freaking-ella did using those broad shoulders of his. I certainly didn't expect a five hundred-something year old vampire to be dressed up in Victorian bling like Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy; but hey, I'm not complaining because it's kinda hot. Apparently he was inexplicably 'in love with me' because he drank this 'love potion' and saw me first. But why is he glaring at me like that?

"Vampires don't exist." I had said, "Look, I get the vampire hype because of that movie and that book that's out these days, but I'm not digging it. You guys are good. Really good. You almost got me. Nope, I won't fall for it. Okay, where's the hidden camera? If I'm being Punk'd, can I get my money now? What did I win? Ooooh, I do hope I won a car. I can't drive one yet but that'd be really nice."

The tent went deadly silent then, and Integra and Alucard turned to each other for a split second, before they averted their glances back to me. Alucard was observing me silently with a slightly amused expression as his lips tugged upwards into a smirk.

"It doesn't matter if you don't believe." Integra then replied; she took off her glasses and inspected the lens under the lamp of the tent, "But I would like you to listen to what I have to say."

"Okay, I'm all ears."

Integra nodded briefly and settled her glasses back on her face, pushing them higher over the bridge of her nose, "You see, Miss Conroy, I am the Director of the Royal Order of Protestant Knights. We are also known simply as 'Hellsing'. We were monitoring the activity of a group called the 'Lily Witches'. They are extremely dangerous, and delve into the dark arts, from curses, hexes and necromancy. They move around the country a lot, and tonight, we located their coven and I dispatched Alucard to the scene. The woman you saw was Celia. She is their leader and she has targeted Alucard for a long time now." Integra explained, and I snickered loudly, remembering what I had witnessed back in the house. "Now, about our line of work, we are an organisation designed to…"

As Integra continued, I had a difficult time listening, namely because I couldn't help staring at Alucard who stood beside her. He was staring me down. Fine, I'll do the same thing too because I don't like it when people stare at me for no apparent reason. But… guuuuhhh, he's so hot… Hot hot hot hot hooooot…Sure, he gave me the evils but he's so hottttt. Even when he was giving me the evils he looked hot. How can anyone just stand there doing nothing and still look so hot? It's an abomination!

"Miss Conroy?"

"Yeah?"

"…Your tongue is hanging out of the corner of your mouth."

"Oh! Um, sorry, don't mind me; please, continue." I said as I covered my mouth with my hand to find that my tongue was indeed, hanging out of my mouth like a dog. As soon as I retreated my tongue, I continued ogling Alucard who was glowering at me silently from the corner of his eyes. Mmmm. Eye candy. Yum yum yum.

Everything Integra said seemed to go in one ear and out the other. And she was using too many big words. The more she spoke about Hellsing and how they had a lot of soldiers and strong people working under them… it made me think that they were a group of superheroes, like The Justice League, or SHIELD. Imagine that! Integra was saying, "…Our main priorities are to eradicate any creatures that threaten humanity. In Her Majesty the Queen's name, we blah blah blah…destroy vampires…blah blah blah…evil vampires…blah blah…Alucard is a vampire…blah blah blah…the world is full of vampires…Miss Conroy, are you listening?"

_Go, go Hellsing Rangers, doo roo doo doo doo-doo, go go Hellsing Rangers... _"Huh? Oh, yes, I am. You're doing a jolly good job, sir. Carry on."

"…As I was saying…"

_Mighty Morphin' Hellsing Rangers! Cue bass guitar solo! Nee nee nee..._

Wait, what did Integra just say? She had said something important. Something interesting. I turned to Alucard abruptly, "You're a vampire?"

"Yes, Pizza Girl, I am a vampire…" He replied tiredly. What happened next made my eyes practically bulge out of their sockets…Alucard moved forwards and waded through the table. He did not casually manoeuvre around the foldable table Integra had been sitting behind; _he went right through it_. Then, he approached me slowly whilst Integra watched on intently, silently granting Alucard permission to whatever he was about to do.

"Ahhh! Y-You just w-went through the table… like a g-g-ghost…"

"Why do you sound so surprised?" He murmured as he loomed over me.

"So…vampires _are _real."

"Yes, my master has been trying to tell you that for the past five minutes."

Wait until Shelbie gets an earful of this. "S-so do you have…?" I asked, pointing to my mouth, and Alucard raised a delicate eyebrow at me, then grinned, his lips pulling back to reveal this neat arrange of little isosceles-triangle shapes sticking out of his deep pink gums…yep, the guy's got fangs. "Those are…real? Can I… touch them?"

"…You are asking me if you can '_touch_' my teeth."

"I know it sounds weird, but I'd like to, if you don't mind. Do you floss regularly? They look so nice and shiny. I think they want to be touched."

"Save your honeyed words for a vampire who cares."

"But my hands are clean!"

"How clean?"

"Squeaky clean."

"I have never heard such an interesting, albeit _disconcerting _request before. You intrigue me with your strange banter, Pizza Girl…"

"Alucard." Integra said, shaking her head as she watched us and listened to the conversation that was taking place. "This is ridiculous. Surely you can't be thinking…" For good reasons, she left her sentence trailing.

The vampire stepped closer to me and I shuddered all over by our close proximity. I got full blast of his hotness up close and personal and I hope some of it can rub off on me. "First, say 'please', Pizza Girl…" He purred, before he took a thick lock of my hair with his lithe fingertips and began playing with it, twirling it around and around in between the gaps of his fingers. I swallowed down once more, as I stared at his parted lips which were merely centimetres from mine.

"…Uh…please?"

He dropped my hair, letting the loose strands fall carelessly from his hand; again, he did so with the same unfeeling and sudden brusqueness when he dumped me onto the ground back at Spooky Street. "No." He growled, having replaced his devilish smirk with a frown, "It would be an insult to my fangs if I let you sully them with those stubby, spindly things you call 'fingers'."

I looked at my fingers, taken aback by his wounding comment. They're not stubby… Well, I don't think they are…My lip wobbled. No-one had ever made a verbal stab at my fingers before. Sure, they target other parts of my body and my face but this was new. Were my fingers that unsightly and gangly?

It's not my fault. I was born this way!

"Both of you cease this foolishness right now!" Integra yelled, and Alucard and I turned to face her abruptly. "My servant, I expected more from you than to play along with such imprudent games. This is not a matter to be taken lightly, Miss Conroy! You ruined the witches' plan. You have become a target, and lest we not forget…they tried to _kill_ you."

I nodded gravely as soon as her words sunk in. "Yes, they tried to kill me. This is the third time someone has tried to kill me. I don't understand, sir, it's not a very nice feeling at all."

Sir Integra placed a hand under her chin as if in thought, "You are best to come with us to Hellsing." She finally said, rubbing at her temples.

The vampire was quick to react. "Master, you cannot be contemplating in letting this_ imbecile_ loose in the mansion." Alucard barked, his fist clinching slightly. Whoops! Someone's testosterone is flashing like a neon sign. There's a lot of angry in the air all of a sudden. Hey, wait a minute! He just called me an imbecile! I glared at Alucard as venomously as I could; he didn't seem to notice.

"As long as she doesn't break anything, I don't see any problems."

Again, they were talking as if I couldn't hear them. I decided to put my foot down myself. "Sir! I thank you for the kind offer, but no thanks."

"This is a grave situation, Miss Conroy. Your life is at risk here."

"Yes, I know, and I really didn't ask for any of this."

Alucard began chuckling mirthlessly even though he had been angry a fraction of a second ago. That's one heck of a mood swing. "We know that all too well; nobody asked you to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, Pizza Girl." He added spitefully.

"I advise you reconsider, Miss Conroy."

"I know, but what about my family, and my friends? I can't leave like that." Besides, I think I'll miss my room.

"You don't have to worry about your family and friends. We will handle it. You have nothing to fear."

"…Oh. Uh…Can I think over it?"

Integra's expression did not change at all. Instead, all she did was blink slowly whilst I stood stiffly under her subjecting gaze. "You have three days. I'll ask Alucard to keep a close eye on you until then."

"Alright, alright. Cool. Three days. Okay."

Integra then turned to her Victorian vampire vanguard, "Alucard. Please escort Miss Conroy back to..."

"To Bobby's Pizzeria and Takeaway at 89 Stan Street." I piped up.

While Alucard gritted his fangs together with obvious displeasure, Integra thoroughly reminded him with "I have Walter and Seras investigating a cure for now, and since you and Miss Conroy are entangled in this mess together, you might as well try and get along with each other until then…this will give you a chance for you two to break the ice."

Ice? What ice? No thanks, I don't want to break it! I want to keep it the way it is!

Alucard was snarling lowly under his breath but bowed respectfully to Integra. "…Yes, my master." Before I could protest he was already leaving the tent. I may as well follow him; as Integra said, we were both stuck in this mess…we might as well try and get along…_somehow._ Yeah, when pigs fly and I become Prime Minister hurrhurr. I thanked Integra and she gave me a small but graceful smile, accompanied with an acknowledging nod.

As soon as I stepped out, Alucard was standing still, gazing up at the full moon hanging high above us. I stopped beside him and prodded the back of his shoulder with my finger to grab his attention. "Before we head back, please stop calling me 'Pizza Girl', I have a name. Why don't you try using it for a change?"

He threw me a sideways glance. "I think it suits you."

"Ohhh, you think it's funny."

"Hilarious."

"Yeah, cos, you know, it's a stab at my lousy occupation, right?" I gave him a sour look, "I thought you were affected by a** love potion**. Aren't you meant to be totally in…"

"_Love_?" He finished for me, "Love is a fickle word for the feeble-minded."

"Well…If you _are_ supposed to be affected, aren't you supposed to fawn over me at some point? You seem pretty normal to me. In fact, you're the opposite. You're frustrated and angry."

"Fawn over you?" He repeated my words clearly with disgust in his tone, before he gave me a long, sweeping glance from head to toe, "Tch, don't flatter yourself, you lowly Pizza Girl."

"I wasn't flattering myself…just asking a question."

"Then perhaps I should remind you that I haven't been alive for centuries to _not_ be able to administer self-control…"

A devious idea swarmed into my mind at his self-proclamation and my lips slowly transformed from a fierce frown into a wide, malicious grin. "Oh, really? Let's try something out then. Let's test out just how much self-control you claim you have." I declared, as I rubbed my hands together, smirking.

"I'd rather you not."

I'd never done this before, but here goes nothing. I put my hand behind my head and the other on my waist and wiggled my hips in front of him as seductively as I could. "Doesn't my body drive you wild with desire? Aren't I simply irresistible? Oh yeah, you can't get enough of me!"

For a split second, I thought his eyes had widened slightly, but then: "Pizza Girl…" He rasped warningly, hissing at me as his eyes grew slightly dilated. He was hunching over on his front that his nose almost touched the ground, as though one had a stomach ache. I watched him carefully as he proceeded to strategically move a hand over his face; he threw a glance at me between the gaps of his fingers, before quickly averting his eyes away. "Nnnghhh…"

"You want some of this booty, eh? You want some of this? Yeah, 'cos I'm so hot and sexy and Ima foxy ladyyyy. Gonna seduce you with ma smexy singing and dancingggg." I took off my headphones and began swinging the cord around and around above my head before I pranced around him in a circle. "These boots are made for walkin'…And that's just what…lalalala…forgot the lyrics…lalala…One of these days these boots are gonna...whatever. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop."

"…Stop doing that."

He looked like he was in pain. A lot of pain. I am not that cruel so I finally stopped my taunt and he was left a squirming and huddling wreck. However, I was laughing and pointing now. Hah! Take that, Alucard! In your face! I snorted with laughter and wiped a tear from my eye, "You may be hot, and you may give me weird fuzzy feelings, but you've been nothing but rude and nasty to me, so this is your just desserts." I said, before I turned away from him with my nose in the air. I was strutting down the path, proud and pleased with myself that I'd gotten the last laugh until two arms wrapped around me tightly.

I turned round in surprise to see the vampire behind me, my back pressed snugly against his chest. "Damn…you…" Alucard cursed, although he sounded strained. Oops, it seemed I had indeed accidentally managed to kickstart the love potion into motion even though I hadn't done anything, and really, I was just yanking his leg. In seconds, Alucard was suddenly nipping the shell of my ear hotly before his lips then trailed over the side of my face and I began to wail. "This…is… your…fault…" He breathed, in between kisses.

I guess my wailing and flailing must have attracted everybody's attention because the tent flaps opened and there stood Integra. "What's going on?" She barked, until she caught sight of me and the vampire who was now holding me tightly that I felt like I was about to break in half. "Miss Conroy!"

Alucard couldn't help himself; he let go of me and when I thought he was done, he had turned me round to bring me forwards and my face was squashed against his chest, with my nose squished against one of the wooden buttons of his waistcoat. He held me tightly as if holding me was the best feeling in the universe. "I can't…can't breathe…" I managed to wheeze out, in this high-pitched nasally voice.

Integra frowned in response, "Alucard, let her go right this instant."

Again, Alucard went from hot to cold and swatted me away from him like a fly that had buzzed too near him. I stumbled backwards, gasping slightly and making sure I can bend my back properly. Okay, lesson learnt. No more baiting Alucard...even though it was kinda fun... He was breathing heavily and his eyes were still dilated, the expression on his face resembled that painting called The Scream, before he flashed me a glare. I looked away innocently and began whistling.

Our journey back to the Pizzeria was in silence. It didn't take very long and there was no breaking the ice. I guess Alucard had as much interest in me as one did in watching paint dry. To my relief, we saw the derelict building of Bobby's Pizzeria in the distance and I parked my trashed moped to a lamppost.

Finally, I have returned to a place where, for a change, there are people in there who actually like me. I opened the door to see a tired-looking Shelbie and Bobby and...

"HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE BACK HERE, YOU PIECE OF CRAP! YOU'RE FIRED! F-I-R-E-D _FIRED_! I SHOULD'VE HIRED THAT TYPEWRITING MONKEY INSTEAD OF YOU!"

Okay, I take it back.

Fuck this shit! I don't need this! Fuck everything! I think life hates me. God hates me. Alucard hates me. I hate me! I hate being me! Does anyone want to be me? Because my identity is up for sale! It's official, I hate being Narsha Conroy!

* * *

1. There is another Pride and Prejudice reference here. Then there is a reference to 'You've Been Framed', a TV show where the public sends their home videos of embarrassing moments to be viewed by the nation. It was tolerable in the early 90's. Now it's just rubbish and will makes your eyes bleed.

2. Mighty Morphin Hellsing Rangers is a play on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers XDD


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for the reviews, guys! You are making this story happen! ...Even though it is crazy. Check out the new image feature. Book covers, eh? Interesting... Now, as you may all know, I've given this story a cover of 'I Heart Pizza'.

* * *

**~ I'm So Into You ~**

* * *

…

_Dumped by Slurpee_

…

* * *

I've been called many things before in my life.

Loser.  
Geek.  
Moron.  
Derpface.  
Cow.  
Slut.  
Whore.  
Bitch.  
Fatty Fatty Bum Bum.

Okay, ignore the last one. That's what my little sister calls me, but she's six, so, whatever.

This is the first time I've been compared to a typewriting monkey. It's new.

I know I talk a lot. I talk big. Really big. Don't get me wrong, I'm not arrogant but I do say a lot of things I never really mean. Sometimes I guess I can be mean too, but I don't really know why I do it. My mouth just keeps going on and on and on and I can't seem to stop. It's just…a part of me. But now, I was this slack-jawed, speechless blob standing with weak, buckled knees in this dingy, smelly hellhole. And even though I had a powerful, five hundred year old vampire beside me who (was perhaps at my disposal and) could easily rip this bulbous oaf to shreds, I found myself retreating wordlessly from the pizza joint after collecting tonight's pay.

"Nooo!" Shelbie was wailing, whilst Alucard followed me; he was eerily silent with nothing to say on this situation whatsoever, "Uncle Bob, please! Narsha didn't mean it; she came across traffic problems – "

I know. The gross sweaty man was in fact, Shelbie's Uncle. I like Shells, I really do. She's been a great friend to me and I like talking to her. She likes talking to me too… and she's probably the only person who likes talking to me, I think. I just can't stand her Uncle, that's all. But for the sake of friendship, I put up with it. Besides, Shelbie's perhaps the only friend I have.

And Bobby was yelling, "She was gone for three hours, Shelly, THREE HOURS!"

I don't like seeing a friend argue with a family member, so I shook my head and said, "Stop! Don't argue anymore! I'll leave quietly…" I felt pretty good doing the right thing for once and I turned round to leave the Pizzeria whilst glancing at Alucard who was following me, "Looks like I'm not a Pizza Girl anymore."

"You are leaving?" He asked, and I nodded. "I expected a highly vocal response to that uncalled outburst."

"No, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not saying I deserved it, but I was in the wrong anyway."

He merely grinned, as though observing the argument that had taken place had been a very amusing sight. "That's very noble of you, Pizza Girl." He said, his mischievous ruby-red eyes glinting in the night.

"I just said I'm not a Pizza Girl anymore."

"I shall and will address you in whatever way I deem fitting, and '**Pizza Girl**', is adequate." He crooned, grinning at me as we stepped out of the building. In response, I could only huff as I marched towards the parking lot, with Alucard at my heels.

However, Shelbie swiftly exited the building and rushed towards us. "Narsha, wait! I'm so sorry."

"Why are you apologising?"

"I…I feel as though…"

"It's not your fault. It had nothing to do with you. Bob's right; I was the one who didn't come back for three hours." I said, "And not just that, but I also come back with this guy here – " I gestured to Alucard, who was now staring intently at Shelbie although he was grinning at her as though she was a yummy meatball sandwich.

"Who is he?"

I turned to Alucard immediately and reached over to whisper in his ear, "Psst. Can I tell Shelbie that you're a…_you-know-what_?"

"No."

"But she's my friend!"

"No."

"She's trustworthy!"

"_No_."

"Can I at least introduce you?"

"Yes, you may."

I sighed under my breath, "Shelbie, this is…Hugh Jass." Hehehe. It was either that or Ben Dover. While Alucard was mentally recoiling from the alias I'd decided for him, I wasn't going to tell Shelbie about Alucard; she's a smart cookie. She'll know 'Alucard' is '_Dracula_' spelled backwards.

"Nice to meet you…" Shelbie said politely as she stared up at Alucard before she leaned forwards curiously to look at his behind.

"Shelbie," I said, "Did the person ever call back? You know, 101 Brookstone Lane?"

"No, they didn't. It's weird, because when I checked, the Caller ID said it was a phone number from a nearby public telephone booth. We couldn't call back."

"Oh, that is weird."

Shelbie nodded. "So…what will you do now?"

"I think I'll just head home."

Immediately, I did a double take. No, wait… I can't go home. Mum and dad would be at home. They'll wonder why I'm home. I'll get in trouble. And I'll feel so ashamed. I can't go home just yet! With that in mind, I sulked all the way to the nearest park with Alucard; since Sir Integra has asked him to escort me home and to stay with me for the next couple of days, he found himself begrudgingly trudging after me but he did not voice his disdain. Yep, he's practically my bitch for now. Whoohoo, go me.

I found a dirty, hobo-free bench near the pond and sat down at one end with my chin cupped in my hands, while Alucard stood near me; people walking by were giving him strange, subjecting looks. Even female nightjoggers began giggling to each other and were giving him the stare-over-their-shoulder looks as they passed.

Geez, the dude was attracting attention to himself without even doing anything. I had the feeling I knew what kind of personality he was, and, ahem, **Alucard was**: 1) Irrevocably popular without even trying, 2) Handsome to the brink that many female tears were shed over unrequited love, and 3) Arrogant beyond belief.

"Aren't you going to sit down?" I asked, patting the empty space beside me.

He did so quietly, seating himself beside me before crossing his daddy-long-legs over one another. "You look sad," He commented, not that I needed one of his unnecessary remarks at the precise moment, "I almost feel sorry for you."

"…Thanks." I grumbled.

"You're welcome; I offer you my utmost condolences regarding the loss of your pink-collar job. However, you don't appear too upset."

"…I'll find another job soon, hopefully. But if I am going to go to Hellsing, I don't really see a point." I replied tiredly, before I turned to him and realised he had been inspecting me curiously, keenly. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You are a terribly amusing, but eccentric, human."

"And you don't think YOU are?" I replied, raising an eyebrow. Sheesh. What a hypocrite.

He chuckled louder as he flexed his gloved palms neatly before folding them over his lap, "Might I remind you that I am not human, and it is a shame my master has forbidden me from harming you. The urge to strangle you into submission is surmounting."

"Hey, I'm on your side!" I pointed out, but he awarded me with a sinister chuckle. Hm. I should change the conversation topic, so I quickly said, "Do you even remember what it was like before you became a vampire? And what's it like to be a vampire anyway?"

"It varies," He mused aloud, and just then, a homeless man in tattered clothing wandered near us before plopping himself on the empty bench beside us. Alucard continued, "Some will discover it to be a blessing; for others, it is a terrible curse, for one is cursed to lust after the blood of the living."

"I didn't realise there was so much to vampires."

"Yes, you would be surprised. Your reaction to my master's revelation regarding the existence of vampires was_ lacking_."

"What did you want me to do back there? Scream, run around in circles and hit my head repeatedly with a frying pan?" I retorted, as I threw a quick glance to my fingernails which were turning slightly purplish-blue from the cold. Brrr. It is getting chilly. I should really be going home…but nah, talking to Alucard is interesting. Besides, I've never had the chance to idly chat with a _vampire_ before. I guess there is a first for everything after all! The next thing I know, we might have a tea party.

"_No_." He replied, and I snapped out of my daydreams of having a tea party with Alucard (which I don't think will happen EVER for a gazillion years); I whipped my head up to see that he was now eyeing me beadily from the bottom of his eyes, "You were…calm."

"Are you suspecting me of something?"

"I will be the judge of that."

"Look, I know I'm a slow person, alright? Don't blame me for delayed responses." I barked, and Alucard began chuckling even louder than before and now the homeless guy was beginning to look over enquiringly from his bench, to see what the ruckus was about. "How many vampires are out there?"

"Many."

"And they all look human, like me and you?"

"Vampires were human to begin with, my dear."

"You know, it's kinda cool that vampires exist. At least I know we're not alone." I said, and Alucard was watching me intently now with an almost curious expression. "But what about Celia? You know, that leader of the…Frilly Witches."

"_**Lily **_Witches," He corrected me, "What about her?"

"Well, Sir Integra says she's been after you for a loooong time."

Alucard responded with deep laughter erupting from the back of his throat, "Yes, it seems I am the object of her affection. We have come across each other before in many missions. She wishes to use me for her own selfish gain." Huh. He finds it funny.

"…Is she stalking you? Does she like you? And…do you _like_ her?"

He flicked his scarlet eyes to me and smirked widely, before he moved an inch in his spot on the bench, closer to me. "Are you jealous?"

I inched away from him correspondingly only to have him move further and closer to me that our shoulders were now touching. "No, I'm not jealous. But if I hadn't come, and you did become Celia's love slave, what would have happened?"

Alucard did not reply, but we were gazing at each other and suddenly the world around us got quieter and quieter and suddenly, it felt as though we were the only people in the universe and –

_You're too good to be true…Can't take my eyes off of you…You'd be like heaven to touch…I wanna hold you so much_…

No, no, no! Now's not the time for songs! Control yourself, puny pea-sized brain!

However, to my dismay, Alucard's lips had cracked into a wide grin. "Are you singing me a love song?"

"H-huh? How did you…" Ahh, he must have read my mind! "No, I wasn't, I – "

_At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive_…_You're just too good to be true…Can't take my eyes off you… _

D'oh!

Alucard purred in content, and I turned away to face my front, cheeks flushing in embarrassment.

"Anyway, l-let's get back to the conversation at hand now…" I said, and inwardly, I shuddered, as though I already knew the answer to the question I had just asked, and I was aware that he knew the answer to that, too. "Well, I think you'll be happy that you're _my _love slave than hers. D-Don't get me wrong, I'm just trying to make you feel a little better…"

"Hm. Yes." He murmured, but he didn't seem the least bit convinced, "Do tell me, Narsha-dear, how many lovers have you had in your miserable existence?"

I suppressed a snort of laughter. He'd ditched Pizza Girl for the sickening sounding '_Narsha-dear_'. I think I like Pizza Girl better. "Why are you asking me that all of a sudden?"

"I'm curious. Since my master is insistent that we 'bond', we might as well break the ice."

"Then ask me something else."

"Very well…Are you a virgin?"

My expression scrunched up and my eye twitched furiously at the distasteful question, "Wow, you like to cut to the chase, don't you?"

"Are you still a virgin?" He pressed on; he was cornering me in the bench, keeping me trapped between himself and the armrest of the bench.

"W-what are you trying to say?" My voice was wobbling as he invaded my personal space; I shrunk slightly as he loomed over me but this only caused him advance even further, as if my response had been to his liking. Soon, he was towering over me and I was lying splayed on the bench, the back of my head almost touching the armrest. I could see his features so clearly, his perfect, angled nose, the rugged jawline, the deep, crevasse of his cheeks. His skin was pale and ivory, like the marble of a statue. He was…perfect. I resisted the urge to stuff my knuckles into my mouth to stop my squealing, but then -

"You seem the promiscuous type."

The perfect image of Alucard eroded away with that comment and my eyebrows knitted together angrily. "How dare you! I am not like that at all, and I certainly am NOT telling you if I am a…HMPH! Well, lemme ask you in return - _are you a virgin_?"

"I asked you first."

"And I'm asking you now."

His lips twisted into a slant, bemused and toothy grin. "Fine. I'll humour you, Narsha-dear: No, I'm not."

"Yeah, I thought so." I replied, "I didn't think you'd be one." I had this feeling that Alucard might be a manslut. I guessed I was half-right.

"You still haven't answered my question."

"What? Oh, right. If _**I'm**_ a virgin. Well, why don't you use your virgin-detecting powers and guess?"

"You're a virgin. It is not that hard to discern. You are easy to read, and the fact that you are a virgin…from your fresh naiveté, your inexperience, immaturity and innocence, is painstakingly written all over you, like a book." Alucard replied, and I blushed. When I was slowly reduced to a silence, he leant off me but the damage had already been done. I was quiet, blinking solemnly at my lap. He added, "Ah, you are reminiscing now."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Are you remembering an _ex-lover_?"

"No, he-he wasn't even a nice guy, I…" I managed to stop myself in time, but when I swerved my eyes to Alucard to search for his reaction, I had been expecting him to be smirking. He was not. Instead, he genuinely appeared to be…listening to me. "I had one boyfriend." I croaked out, my mouth going dry. Ahhh why am I suddenly blabbing this to him for no reason?

"What happened?"

"We only dated for about a week and…"

"It did not work out?"

"It was all because of a Slurpee. Basically, he tried to force himself on me when we were sharing a Slurpee, oh, and a packet of Oreos too. We were outside the Forever 21 store in town. I refused, then he dumped me, and he dumped the Slurpee all over me. He also said I was a horrible kisser, like he was kissing a slug all the time. I've never wanted to be with anyone since then."

Following my own revelation was a long, tepid silence. Whoa, this conversation was not so fun anymore. Somehow I have ended up disclosing more about myself to Alucard than intended. He was breaking all my ice yet he had still had this huge, un-meltable glacier wall in front of him. I just met him today, and I know nothing about him, I tell you, nothing!

"If you are so insecure about yourself, then perhaps we should practise."

I looked up. "Practise what?"

"Being lovers."

And then I was hooting with laughter in seconds at his suggestion. "Lovers?" Still laughing, I began rolling around, clutching at my sides as tears oozed from the corners of my eyes. When I finished my laughing fit, I rolled back upright to sit properly on the bench with a frown. "_No_. That's a terrible idea. Are you joking? No? What do you mean 'no'? You're serious? You're actually suggesting me to… 'practise' _with_ you?"

"Yes."

"I'm not going to 'practise', especially with you."

"Then who else will you practise with? Practise makes perfect, Narsha."

"Look, just because I'm insecure about kissing others doesn't mean I'd like a practise buddy. I'll practise with my own hand, thank you very much. Isn't that how people usually learn?"

He snickered at my response, and I felt heat rise to my cheeks as soon I threw my gaze to the back of my fist as I remembered those awkward moments of experimentation during my younger years. I recounted the many times I'd passionately smothered my own hand with my eyes closed, and suddenly, I felt like the biggest loser in the world.

Somehow Alucard had managed to humiliate and embarrass me without even trying or lifting a finger. I cursed mentally; I had no idea what he wanted, or why he was even bothering to allow me to 'practise' with him, not that I even wanted to in the first place. Was this his idea of a sick joke? However, I was quiet, remembering those awful times, before I swallowed down slightly and shakily glimpsed at Alucard from the corner of my eyes. In return, the vampire watched me intently for a few seconds, before he unfolded his arms and reached out for me.

"Come here." He said.

I stiffened all over and began to crawl away from him although I couldn't accomplish much in my little corner, "What? No way!" I had exclaimed, "What's wrong with you? Just a while ago you were insulting me and then – "

"Narsha, come here. Come to me. I want to hold you."

Gasp! His suave, husky voice suddenly rocketed off the Hotness charts x10! I stared at him with widened eyes; my stomach fluttered, and I was woozy and floozy again. I think it's his voice. It's too goddamn sexy! Haaaah…

My cheeks were flushing intensely and my heart lurched fiercely in my chest as if it had grown arms and legs and was rattling to escape, as if it wanted to break out of the cage of my ribs before running a marathon down the street. I fanned myself while gasping and wheezing. I stared at his inviting arms uneasily, and my heart was now going 'ba-dump ba-dump ba-dump' like a bongo drum, hammering and thundering as I looked up meekly to meet his gaze.

Now he was gazing at me with those _sexy_ half-lidded, heavy eyes of his. I didn't understand. I'd never felt such intense emotion brimming through me before, and for a split second, I found myself moving towards him, entranced by the vampire. No! I can't do this. I can't give myself to him! No! I cannot give in to this temptation. It's not even Alucard acting on his will. It must be the love potion, as stupid as it sounds. This isn't real. It's fake. It's fake emotion. He doesn't like me, and he never did!

"I-It's the love potion acting up again, isn't it?" I stuttered out, my words slurring over one another uncontrollably that I sounded like a drunkard.

I tried to resist him thoroughly. Gnnnhhh…No, I can't do this…No…Mustn't give in… I can't – heeeey, what the - ? I suddenly found myself in Alucard's lap. When did I even…? Did I just climb into his lap? No, I don't recall moving. Did he…? Oh, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm a slut! I'M A SLUT!

"Does it matter?" He was murmuring silkily with his lips by my ear; I shivered all over as I sat still, inhaling all his affections with no protest.

Although I do not know Alucard that well, my gut instinct told me he was acting uncharacteristically. It didn't feel like he was doing this out of his free will. So it _**was**_ the blasted love potion. I felt conflicted and confused, with the consciousness of knowing that he was only doing these things not because he liked me or anything at all; it was a horrible realisation, because I actually have warm and fuzzy feelings for him.

Oh, Alucard, whatever it is...whatever we have, you know, whatever _this_ is, I hope this doesn't end with a Slurpee thrown over my head.

He manoeuvred me so I was now straddling his lap and I flushed vividly from the embarrassing and comprising position. I wailed in protest, but he leaned forwards and immediately, he was brushing his lips against mine teasingly. Alucard tasted like blood. I didn't find it surprising. I gasped and inched away, but Alucard pulled me back and our mouths met again. His lips were cold but he has an amazing mouth which was eagerly exploring mine, the tips of his fangs nipping my bottom lip teasingly; I found myself succumbing to his expertise, and he tilted his head to the side, as though to kiss me deeper than before.

He pulled away for a brief second to purr against my lips, "You're right. You _are_ atrocious." And then his mouth was covering mine again.


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for the reviews! This chapter isn't my best. There's been some family trouble with a grandparent and I really wasn't in much of a mood to write, couldn't concentrate much either, but I had gotten at least ¾ of the chapter written before the trouble started and I didn't want to keep the story on hold because then it wouldn't be fair to you guys.

Anyway, this chapter…it was kinda hard to cram everything in, and for once, things will get serious in this story. There's a lot that's meant to happen, but I decided to make it short and sweet, and straight to the point.

**WARNING:** This is an M chapter because of the suggestive situations, and vulgarity and profanity from a certain someone.

* * *

**~ I'm So Into You ~**

* * *

_..._

_My Inner Sherlock and Me_

_..._

* * *

I woke up the next day at home, in my bedroom. And someone was sitting on my head.

"Raaaaaaargh, get off me, Tabbi!" I roared, and giggling could be heard before the weight lifted off my head; Tabbi slipped off the side of my bed and thundered out of my room, screaming loudly with laughter.

I sat upright and rubbed my eyes to see morning glory. What happened last night? I can't seem to remember much… oh, Alucard must have taken me home at some point. I remembered telling my parents I no longer had the job at the pizzeria, although I cannot seem to recall their responses…then I told them I was going away in two days. I said it was a summer trip. What about Alucard though? Did I introduce him to my parents? Probably not…But where did he go, after I fell asleep? Oh well, not my problem. He's been asked to stay with me but that doesn't include hanging over me like my shadow, so I guess he won't be around all the time.

Climbing out of bed, I waddled out and into the landing, then I slowly shuffled down the stairs, tackling one stair at a time. I arrived at the kitchen to see mum and Tabbi at the table. "…Mornin'." I croaked out, as I watched mum bustle around the kitchen space while Tabbi kept banging her spoon on the table. "What's going on?"

Mum turned round from the kitchen hob with the frying pan in hand, "Nars! You're awake – finally. Hurry up and get dressed. We're going in a couple of minutes."

"…Where are we going?"

Mum slipped a piece of fried egg on a spare plate on the dining table which was probably mine, since Tabbi's plate was empty and covered in grease and breadcrusts. "To Westfield shopping centre. It's their grand half price sale today on all the stores. Besides, we're going to get some supplies for your trip, too. We're also meeting Samantha and Rebecca at the foodcourt."

"We're going shopping?"

"Yes, so hurry up, get dressed and eat your breakfast before dad comes down."

I swallowed down slightly. "Uh, mum, you do know that...well, you know, about my job...should we talk - "

"Narsha, please. I'm busy. Tabbi, stop throwing your fork around! Stop it!"

I guess this is a good time to introduce myself in slightly more detail. I'm the third born in my family. I have a younger sister called Tabitha, or Tabbi, who can't say my name properly so she calls me _Nash_, or any other insulting word which she learns from Youtube. I know she's only six, but she's actually quite smart. She knows what an _indefinite article_ is and she can work the air conditioner. I worry someday that she'll end up smarter than me but that fear is irrational because I get the feeling she already is. I have two older sisters as well: Samantha and Rebecca. Samantha's the oldest, at twenty eight years old with a fiancé and a baby on its way. Rebecca is twenty three, engaged. I am eighteen (and single), and Tabbi is six (and hating boys and watching Invader Zim online). If you're wondering about names, my mum likes names ending with the sound 'Ah' so we are all 'ah's; you know, Samanth-ah, Rebecc-ah, Narsh-ah and Tabith-ah.

Anyway, Sam and Becca don't live with us because they chose to move out of the house to Manchester. They only come to visit us on Christmas or any other holiday. Occasionally we meet up at weekends to go shopping and hang out. I've never really enjoyed shopping or dining with my family, mostly because I'm in charge of looking after Tabbi while the other members of my family go together…somewhere.

And so, after I got changed into my normal everyday wear, and after dad got dressed, and after we all ate our light breakfast, we were in the car and happily driving to the department store where apparently, everything's half-price.

Urgh. This is boring. So boring. Mum helped me pick out a swimsuit (because she assumed I'd be swimming in my summer trip at some point) and then we went to the foodcourt. After the cheap family meal, mum, dad, Sam and Becca decided they'd go off and shop some more, and so now I'm stuck here looking after Tabbi in the flipping groundfloor _**Playpark**_; a monstrosity to all teen-kind and adults. It is nothing but a hideous visage… every artist's nightmare…Playpark is painted with poorly co-ordinated rainbow colours that assaults the eyeballs…and to top it all off, the atmosphere is filled with the horrendous pig-like squeals of little children, little children who are having the time of their lives, little children who are amused by scrabbling and swimming around in pits filled with plastic balls and inflatable animals and soft and plushy bricks. It says 5 years and under only, but six-year-old Tabbi who is the size of a small elephant, gets away with almost everything.

"Hey, Fatty."

I looked up to see Tabbi wading through the knee-high waterfall-flow of plastic balls before she stopped at the soft, squishy fence. "What?" I barked from my seat (it gave me a good view of the playarea so I could see wherever she was), and I prodded at the melting ice cream in the bowl with the spoon, "What is it?"

"Why are you hitting yourself with a ball?"

Just when I go 'Huh what are you talking about', she threw a bright blue plastic ball at me which smacked me right on the forehead. I recoiled from the assault and growled, "Why you - !"

Cackling loudly, she dived into the ballpit and swam towards the inflatable crocodiles further ahead in the ballpool. I got out of my chair and tried to scale the soft and mushy multicoloured fence, determined to climb into the pool myself even though an assistant was making her way towards me to stop me from getting in.

"Get back here! Ima getchu!" I roared, but then I felt a presence lurking behind me and I turned round to see a familiar kind. The tall, dark and handsome kind.

"You're making quite a scene, Pizza Girl." said Tall, dark and handsome.

"Alucard!" I exclaimed; I sounded quite shocked and happy at the same time. I didn't know where he came from, or how long he had been there, but there he was standing behind me. "Alucard!" I exclaimed again.

"…I heard you the first time." He uttered as I gaped at him; he then moved to sit on the dingy plastic chair that had been placed opposite mine. Parents with their children were quickly ushering them away from us a safer distance or so while giving us suspicious glances. Alucard didn't seem to notice and smirked at me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, "What are – "

"_What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs and makes a slinketty sound? __A spring, a spring, a marvellous thing, __everyone knows it's Slinky!"_

I whipped my head round immediately to the source of the noise to see a busy stall near the small Build-It-Yourself section which was bustling with screaming little kids at the counter. Wait a minute…Did someone say…Slinky?

"Slinkies for sale!" yelled the proprietor dressed up in this dog-costume, "Eveything at half price! 9.99 becomes 4.99!" Then the dog began singing the slinky song again.

Slinkies? Sale? Half price? 4.99!

Alucard followed the direction of my transfixed gaze. "Pizza Girl…" He began, in this chiding manner, but I didn't hear him; my eyes were wide, mesmerised by the multicoloured plastic coiled springs that were dangling off the roof of the stall.

"Slinky…" I mumbled under my breath in a zombie state, before I grabbed my bag off the seat and raced towards the stand. I quickly rushed towards the counter, trying to push and shove through the throng of kids with my purse thrust in the air. "Oh my god! SLINKY! Me! Me! Me! I want a slinky!"

Meanwhile, Alucard watched me, fascinated, and maybe even a little perturbed. A few minutes later and I clambered out of the crowd; I'd gotten myself a nice, multicoloured slinky made out of plastic. I got a little pink one for Tabbi. Satisfied with my purchases, I left the stall to return to the seating area of the ballpit where I saw Alucard waiting patiently for me.

"Look Alucard, slinkies." I showed him what I had bagged. "I've not seen any of these for sale since 1997!"

"…Yes. What about your sister?"

"Tabbi? What about Tabbi? She's right over – " I stopped when I noticed Tabbi was nowhere to be seen. I quickly hurried to the squidgy fence and hung over to peer into the depths of the ballpit. "…Tabbi?"

There was no response.

I tried again, my face paling slightly. "Tabbi? TABBI!"

I must've yelled pretty loudly because the entire Playpark stopped for a moment and everyone was staring at me for a split second, before everything went back to normal; then an attendant quickly walked over. "Excuse me. Is there a problem, Miss?" He glanced from me, to Alucard expectantly, and I quickly said, "N-No, it's okay…we're fine."

The attendant strolled away (a little reluctantly too, I might add) after I nodded furiously in a bid to convince him. Alucard raised an eyebrow, as I glanced around the park worryingly. I couldn't raise any alarm yet. I thought Tabbi was just playing with me as she always does but that thought dissolved away when I could see the other kids, but not Tabbi. She must be somewhere…I don't know, maybe she went into the pit and was lying on the pitfloor to joke around with me. Or she could be hiding in the bouncy castle. When there was still no sign of her, I rolled up my sleeves of my checkered shirt and tied up my hair.

"What are you doing?" asked Alucard, as he watched me untie my converses before kicking them off.

"Take these." I handed him my shoes and the bag of slinkies despite how awkward he looked with those in possession, "I'm going in. Make sure no-one sees me because they have this strict Under 5's policy."

He watched me climb over the fence before slowly sinking into the ballpit pool. With my eyes and ears above the surface, I slithered through the pit, searching silently for Tabbi. Eventually, I reached a narrow opening and climbed up, before having to get down on all fours to crawl through. I turned round with what little space I had left to see Alucard a distance away, staring intently at me. I rolled my eyes but it couldn't be helped; after I went through numerous tubes and weaves through foamy pillars (how I even fit through the tiny gaps was a miracle), I wound up in the bouncy castle but there was still no sign of Tabbi. I left the park by exiting via this pathetic-looking red chute and rolled out to see Alucard waiting for me with my shoes and slinky bag.

"Alucard, she's not here, she – " I paused when I saw a familiar little girl leaving the park with…

…some random, tall and thin, tanned man dressed in a long, dark blue jacket with white trimming and matching dress pants!(?) What the heck? At first, I noticed he also had a matching hat on top of a shaggy mop of dark, shoulder-length hair. He looked a bit like…well, I hadn't seen such an odd-looking fellow before in my entire life. My jaw dropped, as he turned round to us and smirked, revealing a shiny, hoop-ring piercing on his lower lip and on his brow and nose and ear. Then he proceeded to jam his middle finger at me and waggle his tongue in a distasteful manner.

"Hey!" I yelled in response, "Hey, you! What do you think you're doing? No! Where are you taking her? Tabbi! Stop! Somebody, stop him!"

No use. The music and the sound of children's laughter was too loud. No-one heard me and I turned to Alucard helplessly. "They're here." The vampire snarled under his breath, before he grabbed me and lifted me back up to my feet. I didn't have time to put on my shoes.

"Who's here? You know that guy?"

He shook his head, and in seconds, we were pursuing the Sister-stealer – well, I was – Alucard had no choice but to follow. We left the children's playpark and returned to the shopping mall only to see a throng of shoppers. I cursed mentally as I scanned the entire barrage of unfamiliar faces; where could they have gone? "I can't believe this!" I wailed, on the verge of tears, "They've taken Tabbi! Oh god, this is all my fault. Damn you, Slinky! Oh god, I can't tell my parents, they'll kill me!"

"Your sister is not lost. Not yet." Alucard said, and suddenly, something had hit me in the back of my head and I turned round.

A foamy brick was lying beside me on the ground, with a piece of paper stuck to it with chewing gum. "What the hell…?" I lowered myself to the ground to pick it up, tearing off the little piece from the squidgy brick. It said: **Go to the Carpark.** As much as Alucard, or even myself, for all that mattered, do not necessarily trust mysterious notes written by a mysterious person pinned on Playpark children's bricks, Alucard and I decided to split up. Alucard would search the rest of the mall, while I would check the carpark (just in case).

_It could be distraction_, I had argued mentally, _But it's worth looking anyway._

At the carpark and I saw someone up ahead, lurking in one corner. Ah, so it wasn't a distraction after all. It was the real deal. I recognised the ugly blue hat and dark-haired, multiple piercing guy who had taken Tabbi from the playpark. He was seated on the boot of a big black car whilst casually smoking a lit Marlboro cigarette.

"Damn, this is so fucking good." I heard him murmur.

When he finally noticed my arrival, he leapt off the boot with amazing acrobatic ability, stretching his super-duper long legs, and he landed on the ground near me with his knees bent, before he stood back up straight. He removed his cigarette from his mouth, squashing the lit end into oblivion against his gloved palm, the acrid fumes vanishing from the atmosphere.

"Well, well, well…if it isn't the older sister." said Long-Springy-Legged Guy, waving at me cheerfully as soon as I stopped near him.

"Who are you?" I said, eyeing him warily from my safe distance.

"'Sup? Name's Jan Valentine, bitch."

I frowned in response and snapped, "Who're you calling 'bitch', _asswipe_?"

The skinny, tall man named 'Jan' made the sound of flames hissing, going 'Tssss'. "Ooh, ouch, was that supposed to_ hurt_?"

"What the hell do you want? And where's my sister?"

"Your Mini-Me's over there." He tilted his head slightly to the car window where I could see Tabbi, who was in the backseat of the car, her eyes closed.

"Tabbi!" I rushed to the car and tried the doors, but obviously, the handles would not budge. I thumped on the car window but it did not appear she could hear me. Was she sleeping? I pounded on the glass as hard as I could. "Tabbi, wake up!"

"Heh, you can scream and shout all you want but she can't hear you."

I turned back round only to come face-to-chest with Jan who was now standing close to me. Very close to me. By now, you should know I think about a lot of pointless things: I swallowed down and stepped away, as he towered over me; his height was startling. I didn't think he'd be this tall up close; heck, he may even be taller than Alucard! How could someone be so skinny, too? No matter how much I diet, even I can't get to that kind of thin-ness.

Jan leaned in so closely to me that our noses were almost touching and I could smell his rancid Marlboro-cigarette breath. My dad used to smoke when I was younger and I remembered I really didn't like the smell; he only stopped when Tabbi was born. I stared into his amber eyes and gulped loudly, which made him grin widely. Alucard grins, but I don't like this guy's grin. It scares me. My breath was cut short, when he suddenly grabbed at my neck with his large palm and twisted my head to the side, before he lowered his face into my nape, and my knees began to tremble.

"W-what have you done to her?" I stammered out.

"You blind, you dumb shit?" He barked, "I left the car engine on; your sister's slowly inhaling the toxic fumes. Ahhh, nothin' beats carbon monoxide poisoning. Classic. And not only that, but it was the older sister's fault too, because she wasn't looking after her little sister properly in the first place. No, she ran off to get her hands on some fucking half-price slinkies…"

Suddenly, he began slapping at the front of my chest with the flat of his palm, "So you're the one who Alucard can't get enough of. Hmph. You're nothing special. You're not even my type. Shit! You're not hot at all. Look at you! There's nothing there! You're breastless. And you're short. Who'd like a fucking breastless shorty like you?"

_Breastless shorty?_ I blinked at him blankly, before I threw a glance down at myself. He burst into loud, mocking laughter then, and I blushed furiously.

Oh frick. This guy must be some kind of hired assassin.

He added, "If you're wondering why I took your piglet bitch sister in the first place, its fucking_ payback_, for ruining Madame Celia's plans."

Double frick! I should've known Celia would be behind this. She wouldn't let us off that easily. Now she's hired some whackjob to finish me off. Now what do I do? Alucard is not here. Somehow, I need to keep this douchebag occupied. Hmmm, what would Sherlock Holmes do?

_Narsha, _said Inner Sherlock with his pipe and deerstalker hat_, I observe everything. From what I observe, I deduce everything. __When I've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how mad it might seem, must be the truth._

Oooookay. Let's see what I could get from that. Mind Palace, activate! A brief moment later, and I said, "…I don't think you should listen to Celia." He was still standing very close to me, almost leaning against me now, with his face inches from mine.

Jan paused slightly, then a single eyebrow rose up to the rim of his hat. "The fuck you sayin'?"

"I know you're a vampire." I added, "Your hold on me indicates you are very strong. Even if you are working for Celia, you could easily overpower her. Have her wrapped around your little finger. But you don't. You listen to her and let her push you around. I can tell you're a very carefree vampire. And you don't like to be controlled, especially by a **woman**. In fact, your last meal was a woman; I know it was a woman because I can smell perfume. _Prada L'eau Ambree_, _for her_. There are three drops of blood on your hair. Still fresh. Your last meal was just a couple of minutes, or one or two hours ago. Either way, you're working for Celia…She must have promised something to you, some kind of…reward, or _favour_, perhaps?"

He cocked his head to the side as though to get a better look at me, before he hissed angrily, with his mouth snarling, teeth and fists clenching, "…Favour? FAVOUR? You fucking bitch! You calling me a manwhore? Somebody outta teach you a lesson, you damn whore!"

I began spluttering immediately as he began to advance even further towards me, "B-back off! My blood isn't delicious at al! You don't want it! You'll feel sick. It's…it's very…umm…it tastes like…you know, that taste w-when you brush your teeth and then straight after, you drink orange juice, it's that kind of – "

_**BANG!**_

I whipped my head to the sound of the noise. To my surprise, so did Jan. It didn't sound very far away. In fact, it sounded as though someone had slammed a door nearby.

"The fuck was that?" I heard him mutter, but soon, the noise was forgotten when no-one appeared. Nothing happened. Jan turned to me and grabbed at my neck again and I went 'ooorf' at the feel of fingers clamping around my windpipe. With my neck in his control, he backed me towards the car, and with his lips by ear, he growled, "I'll be the one to decide that when I sink my fangs into that scrawny neck of yours." Then he proceeded to eyeball me from head to toe. "But first…let's warm-up."

Eek! What on earth did he mean? The answer came when he slammed my back against the boot of the car and pinned my wrists to the sleek metal. Tabbi, in the car, was still unconscious as Jan immediately began ripping at my clothes. "_What are you doing!_" I screamed, struggling and flailing violently against his grip.

"It's all part of the roleplay, bitch."

I yelled as loudly as I could, but he slammed a hand over my mouth before he pulled my hair away and continued to tug the collar of my shirt down, exposing my nape; he cracked his neck by tilting it to the side and back, rotating in a circle, before he stretched his mouth open and his fangs elongated out of their usual length respectively. It was then I realised what he meant by 'warming up'…Oh my god! This vampire likes to PLAY with his food!

When he finally released my mouth, I simpered out, "W-what are you going to do to me?"

"Hmm, that's an interesting question." Jan replied, pausing briefly, "I like 'em feisty, but begging at the very end. Let's start the role-play now. Me, I'm goin' to try an' rape you, an' I want you to scream as loud as you can - "

"As if I'll let you, you ass!" I roared as I thrashed around, only to come to a stop when he slammed his hand over my neck.

"Shut up, you fucking noisy bitch!" He snarled, and he was nudging my knees apart so he could get even closer to me. He cleared his throat before nodding to himself, and I thought he was attempting to get into character. "Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna suck you dry, bitch. You didn't even see what was comin' to you. And then Ima kill you, t-bag you, then fuck you up the ass and dump your body in a dumpster so no-one will ever find your fucking dried-up corpse."

"AAAAARGHHHHH!" I opened my mouth and let my lungs rip, and I swear, my scream was echoing off the carpark and how no-one was here, or how there was no sight of security was completely atrocious and appalling. I stopped my screaming when I was responded with cackling laughter.

"Yes, that's right. Scream louder! No-one's going to come and help you, and I'm not going to let you escape, you lil' gaddamn bitch. In this position, you can't possibly run from me anyway. You should be offering your neck to me, goin' '_Ooooh please suck my blood, Jan'_, _please!_'" He sneered, before his hand cupped my face, except he had actually grabbed me by the cheeks, the flesh between his thumb and forefinger directly under my nose, "Hmm. You know, for a breastless bitch like you, your skin is nice…and soft. Makes me reeeeeally wanna bite it. In fact, how about I bite you on the lips? Yeah, 'cos your lips look nice an' soft too..."

But Jan was pulled off me abruptly before he could bite anywhere he had mentioned, with a bullet exploding into the bottom of his face. He was stumbling away and screaming in minutes. "AGRGHJJJHHKHGGGHH!" came his unintelligible response as the carpark ground became flooded with a mass of blood. "My fashe! My fweaking fashe! Thwoo fucking bathturd! Fuck!"

And then I was lifted off the boot of the car and I stared up at Alucard who was suddenly in front of me. "Alucard!" Again, I sounded quite happy but shocked at the same time.

Alucard was not looking at me, however. "Incorrigible maggot; how dare you touch my prey."

_Prey?_ Did he just imply…_huh?_

He was snarling at the vampire who was now glaring bitterly at him with his lower half of his jaw missing. Without another word, Jan turned and began to flee, and Alucard moved forwards to pursue, but my hand shot out and I grabbed him by the arm. "Never mind him - Help my sister!"

He gave me a quick glance from head to toe, and I flushed and pulled my clothes back over myself; Alucard then threw his glance to the car and shot off the lock to the door with his gun – it was the silver one which I'd seen him use before - and when I fumbled over as quickly as I could and pried open the door, I reached in and scooped Tabbi out of the backseat and checked if she was still breathing. To my relief, I could feel the steady rise of her chest and…yes, she was still breathing. She was fine! Ah, relief! Relief relief relief relief. Oh how much I love relief.

"Tabbi, I'm so sorry…" I murmured, as I squeezed my eyes shut and hugged her tightly. "It's okay…you're okay…you're okay now. You're going to be just fine…"

Alucard scouted the carpark but it was empty; Jan was gone, leaving behind a massive trail of blood on the ground that seemed to lead to the fire exit. No words had to be said here; Jan had escaped in that brief opening of time. The remaining vampire turned to me expectantly, as I stood back up with Tabbi who had now wrapped her arms around my neck, her head resting on my shoulder. I patted her back as she snorted slightly before wriggling around in my hold, trying to get comfortable.

"Tabbi's fine. I guess this was a warning, you know, to scare me."

Alucard averted his gaze to Tabbi, who was now drooling all over my shoulder. "…What will you do?"

I sighed gently, "Elementary, my dear Alucard…I put my family in danger. I can't stay here. It looks like I do need to go to Hellsing after all."

* * *

**Notes:**

1. I decided to add Jan in because he didn't appear in my other story. But Jan is kinda AU here because he's working for Celia.

2. The Sherlock Holmes quote was an actual Sherlock Holmes quote.

3. Narsha's family aren't important characters.


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks to RIP Lynn, Duchess of Blueberries, animefanbren, Nitrogen920, Little Miss Oblivious and ALU3ME for reviews! I'm sorry I haven't been able to personally respond to your reviews but I really do appreciate the support for this completely random story; I hope this chapter makes up for it because I think I messed up Chapter 4.

* * *

_~ I'm So Into You ~_

* * *

…

**You're Hot and You're Cold**

…

* * *

Fast forward my life after the eventful encounter with Jan Valentine and I was sitting in a black car that was happily heading to Hellsing the following afternoon. In the boot was my suitcase and a bumbag, and I was wearing my best clothes.

They were clothes similar to those which rich people wear when they go to see horse races or when they're going for afternoon tea, with champagne and scones and cakes displayed on three-tiered racks and stuff. I like to create impressions, especially in front of rich people, even if it means I have to wear ridiculous outfits. Mum didn't understand why I had to wear such fancy dress to a summer camp but I told her we were having an opening party so this was a must. Alucard told me the Hellsing organisation was based in, and was, in general, a mansion… and then I realised Sir Integra was in fact, addressed as 'Sir Integra' so it finally dawned to me that she had ties with the Queen.

And now Alucard was staring at me.

I'm getting tired of his unreasonable staring so I turned round and barked, "Can I help you(?)."

"You are leaving your family." He commented; he was sitting beside me in the backseat of the car as we zoomed past countless fields with nothing but cows grazing grass. "And you don't seem to care."

"They let me do whatever I want to do."

He was still staring at me as though he expected more of an answer, so I took a deep breath.

"My dad thinks I'm on crack and dope and smoking cigarettes and hanging out with moshers all the time. My mum thinks I'm a lesbian because I wear a lot of black and because of the posters of Metallica and Iron Maiden in my room. They only love me when I'm looking after Tabbi so they can go off and make more babies. I mean, I'm squashed in the middle of the family; I have two older sisters and Tabbi was born when I was 12. Now, I won't tell you the time I accidentally walked in on my parents doing the mattress mambo, but if you must know, I was once called an accident and a 'I wish you'd never been born' so no, they don't worry about me. They don't know where I go half the time, and usually they don't even notice me when I'm there. I don't even TALK to them for more than 10 seconds. Now, if you have anything else you'd like to ask, just ask and I'll try to answer your query as best as possible."

"Why are you wearing that absurd outfit?"

Outfit? Oh. He meant my clothes. "Don't give me tips on fashion when you need a session with the fashion police; besides, I wanted to look nice for a change."

"Yet it does not masquerade the stench you emit: the _stench of a commoner_."

"Has anyone told you how eloquent you are?"

"Many times."

Alucard is nothing like the vampire in that vampire movie and book Shelbie likes. This vampire…oh, don't get me started; he can be rude, but he'll say nasty things in this patronising, or 'nice', falsetto way. Even though I think its kind of hot, his fashion sense is seriously wack. His eyes are blood-red, hungry and menacing, and whenever he looks at me, it is as though he can see right through me, the way vampires are supposed to be. All I know is, I wouldn't want to be his enemy, but it doesn't mean I should suck up to him and accept the remarks that he fires at me from time to time.

I think we all have issues.

"What is it about me exactly which you frown upon?" I said, although I really didn't want to know what he had to say about this.

"Where should I begin, Pizza Girl?" Alucard began leisurely, and he had this amused grin scribbled over his infuriatingly handsome face. "The fact that whenever I attempt to read your mind, I hear nothing but crickets chirping, or the fact that whenever I see you a fiery rage accompanied with a sense of revulsion consumes me?"

Nice. So he's practically disgusted by me. Am I such a terrible, dreadful, unattractive, unpleasant person? He might as well have said looking at me makes him want to be sick. "You know what? You can say aaaaaaaall you want, but I know you're just hating on me because of the love potion, and the fact that it's me who you saw first, right? You'd rather fall for anyone in the entire world except from _me_. Well for YOUR information, it's not my fault that I just happened to be there, you know! And if you don't like it, then TOUGH because you're stuck with me whether you like it or not!"

When I was finished, I was closer to Alucard than intended. In fact, I was not even sitting on the seat. I was standing, facing him, with my back hunched because of the low roof of the car, and one foot was placed on top of the leather cushion, my knee bent. I was even pointing at myself. ARGHH! What the-? I blinked blankly at Alucard who was watching me languidly.

To make matters worse, the chauffeur decided he'd drive over a bump in the road, and –

"Oof!" I went tumbling forwards when the car bounced, before landing face-down in between Alucard's legs.

The first thing that came to mind was: _Ooh la la, Alucard's trousers are so nice and soft. I could rub my cheek over them like a kitten all dayyy…_

But then it was quickly replaced with:

_Dude! My face is squashed in between a man's legs! _

It happened so fast I didn't even realise what was going on, but my mouth dropped open, aghast with horror. I stared up at the Alucard with my eyes wide because that was all I was capable of doing at that moment. Alucard's arms were entangled around me too, as though he had been attempting to intercept my fall. At first, we merely stared at each other in our awkward embrace, but then, Alucard's lips tugged upwards into a smirk.

"Eek!" I screamed, and I scrabbled away to sit back upright on the seat, scooting close to the door. "It was an accident! I-I'm so sorry!"

_ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT WAS THE BEST FEELING EVER!_

Quiet, brain! He can **read** freaking minds, remember?

Alucard began chuckling immediately as I sat, red-faced and ashamed, and trying to get dirty thoughts out of my head. No, brain, no! Control yourself! Ahh, you are so perverted, I'm ashamed that I have you as a brain. I'd like someone else's, thank you very much. Would anyone like my brain? I'll gladly sell it on Ebay for a better, smarter, not-so-dirty one!

He said, "Aren't you the persistent one, Pizza Girl?"

I snapped out of the monologue with my own brain. "What are you talking about?"

"Your ploy to get closer to me is interesting, but neither it is foolproof. You're eager to get close to me, aren't you? Even if abandoning your dignity is a necessity. I was right about your character all along."

"What? What are you talking about? NO! It really was an accident! That's not what I'm doing at all - "

"Admit it. You are attracted to me."

The first thing I would've done if I was feeling normal would be to throw my head back and go 'PFFFT You crazy' but no, instead I found myself blubbering and spluttering, "I told you, it was an accident!" Where was this accusation coming from anyway? Wahhhh!

"I see the way you look at me."

"And what's the way I look at you?"

"You look at me the way lovers do. Or at least, someone who is _pining_ for a lover. Your eyes betray you…not that you are subtle in concealing your desire for me in the least."

The embarrassing, confusing feels were eroding away as I listened to the vampire speak. Soon, utter humiliation was replaced with disbelief. "What? What the heck is wrong with you? Now you're not making any sense, **_and _**you're starting to sound a bit like a gigolo now, Alucard, and the red light district is back that way." I barked, pointing outside the window. Ahh, I am finally returning to myself again.

He was quick to quip back, "Don't insult me. The last one who did dare imply such a thing, I impaled him through the gullet." A few seconds later and - to my surprise - he smirked playfully and began chuckling again. I feel confused. What's going on here? And why…why is he looking at me like that now? I'm scared!

Thankfully, there were no more scary conversations or any more odd happenings because we arrived in Hellsing. Men in uniforms carrying guns opened the gates after they checked the chauffeur's ID, and we were in the driveway, which was the length of an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Driving to the actual manor took at least five minutes, maybe more. I was sitting so close to the window with my palms flat against the window and my nostrils squashed upwards against the glass. "Holy cow…" I breathed, as we drove past dozens of white marble statues and hedgerows fashioned into weird, but elaborate shapes and sizes… I turned back round to Alucard with my jaw hanging. "You live _here_?"

"Yes." He said, before he used his slim forefinger and slid it under my chin, before tilting it upwards to close my jaw. At the same time I thought I could hear a hinge squeak.

And if I wasn't literally gobsmacked, I would have thought more about Alucard's gesture.

At the doorstep was Sir Integra, an old man beside her (butler, perhaps?), and a busty blonde girl. The car came to a stop and I climbed out, followed by Alucard. "Miss Conroy," Integra was quick to greet me while the old man took my suitcase and bag (I was a little worried because they were heavy but he seemed to manage). Integra let the old butler walk past her and into the mansion with my luggage, before averting her gaze to us, "I hope you had a pleasant journey."

"Oh yes, it was _pleasant_, my Master." Alucard said, throwing me a side-glance from the corner of his eye. I swallowed down and looked away immediately.

"Alucard, there were no problems, I presume?"

I cringed but all Alucard said was, "No. There were none. I'll be returning to my quarters now…I'm tired…"

"Very well." Integra replied, and Alucard left my side without a word or even a glance. The director added, "Let's go inside, shall we? Walter has a room prepared for your temporary stay, Miss Conroy."

"Thanks…"

I was led inside a large room with the most comfiest couches I have ever set my butt on. I sank into the soft plushy velvet cushions and was temporarily absorbed in rolling around the gargantuan sofa with a blissful expression on my face before I was presented with an intricate china cup of steaming coffee by the same old man who'd taken my luggage. Walter, I do believe his name was, and this was some damn good coffee.

Meanwhile, Integra sat opposite me on a matching couch with a manila folder resting on a small table to her left. "Miss Conroy, I will introduce you to the members of the Hellsing Organisation: this is Seras Victoria, she is - "

Integra was cut off when the door suddenly slammed open and a sweaty, one-eyed man with long, dark orange hair twisted into a braid came trampling inside, "What 'ave I missed?" He was looking left to right before he finally settled his single teal eye on me, "Aha! Zere she is, ze little mademoiselle. We heard you were coming. Eet ees nice to meet you, I am – "

"Captain." Integra said quickly, "Please, sit down."

"Huh? Ah, oui, yes, Sir." The man plopped himself down near me and removed his hat to hold it in his hands. "My apologies for ze latecoming, sir. Ze men, zey are 'appy another girl is coming to ze mansion and I 'ad to keep zem in order."

"Miss Conroy, this is Captain Pip Bernadotte. He is the leader of a group of mercenaries we hired. From now on, along with Seras and Alucard, they will also be in charge of protecting you."

"Protecting me?"

"Yes; you will not be permitted to leave this manor without my consent."

Captain Bernadotte spoke up next, "Yes, ze Director calls ze shots here, little mademoiselle." Then he grinned at me and stuck his hand out…I suppose he _winked_ at me too, with his remaining, uncovered eye (if possible). "Nice to meet you, mon cherie."

"Nice to meet you too." I said, as I hastily put down the cup to shake his hand - but I must have slammed it down and the unnecessary force made a slight crack in the cup. It sounded across the room as a ginormous 'CLINK' noise and I gasped as the bottom of the cup split. Ahhh! My commoner manners were really starting to show! How embarrassing! Immediately, Captain Bernadotte and Seras were manoeuvring to the table but Walter was quicker; he was tidying up the fractured cup in moments and I felt really awful as I watched him retreat to the kitchen. "Sorry!"

"Please be more careful in the future, Miss Conroy." Integra replied; although she appeared unfazed by the broken tea ware, I was a little worried.

"So I'm not allowed to leave the manor at all?" I asked nervously.

"Not unless there is a reason for your absence. Every morning at 8am, you will be expected to come down to the first floor dining hall for breakfast. Lunch will be served at 1pm. Dinner, at six. Walter will explain the rest of our established rules."

"But…isn't this… kinda like house arrest…?"

"No, you're mistaken. Walter will make sure your stay at Hellsing will be agreeable. Miss Conroy, you are a target, so this is essential." Integra said, and Walter returned to the lounge, this time, with a small notepad sticking out of breastpocket of his waistcoat. Integra turned to him and nodded; the butler took it out and began writing down some notes. "And we'll need some information about any dietary requirements or allergies."

"Oh no, I'm fine. I'm not on a diet, and…well, I'm allergic to coriander and dogs, but I hope that's not too big of a problem. You know…what if I get cabin fever and go completely crazy and start carrying an axe and run around and hack at doors, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining?"

"…I assure you, you won't." Integra murmured, although she threw a quick glance to Walter who began scribbling something on his miniscule notepad.

"Ze _Shining_?" I heard Captain Bernadotte mutter, before he threw Seras a quick glance, and back to me. "Ahh, you know, ze more I think about it, ze little cherie reminds me a bit of ze mignonette, except…you know, minus ze big boop-boop honk-honk…" Captain Bernadotte then put his palms to his chest, and made a cupping motion with them, grinning slyly.

I blinked blankly while Seras began fuming at the captain immediately, "YOU PERVERT!" She screamed, her face reddening in seconds while Captain Bernadotte began laughing.

"Seras!" Integra exclaimed, "Remember your indoor voice, please. Captain Bernadotte, refrain yourself from making _comments_, at least for a couple of minutes more; we have a guest. And not only is she a guest, but she is a minor, too."

By 'minor' I hoped she referred to my age.

"Y-yes, sir…" came the two mumbled responses from the blonde and the Captain.

The busty blonde then turned to me. "Don't mind Captain Bernadotte, Miss Conroy." She said, and I nodded at her lightly; in return, she smiled at me. It was assuring to see a smile now and then. At least I know I'm not completely stepping foot into the unknown.

The Director cleared her throat and added, "Right. Let's move on. I'd like to fill you in with the details of the Lily Witches, Miss Conroy." Integra scooped up the manila folder beside her and opened it. She presented to me a photograph of a familiar woman…

"Hey, that's Celia, the leader." I said, and Integra gave me a curt nod.

"You may find it hard to believe, but she was a Manager. Her full name is Celia Anne Hamil. She is twenty eight years old and – "

"She's pretty."

"Ah, she ees hot, non?"

" – Her husband is Charles Hamil. They have been married for four years, and she was two months pregnant. Yesterday, we managed to finally contact her husband, and we spoke to him, face to face; we discovered that they separated two years ago, although she hasn't legally divorced Mr Hamil yet; they are still registered on the government database as spouses."

"So…what happened to her?" I asked, "Why did they separate?"

"She vanished."

"Vanished?"

"Yes."

"What happened to the baby?"

"We're not sure. Celia Hamil disappeared from her home two years ago. Her profile is in our database of Missing Persons."

"So when did she re-appear?"

"Roughly a year ago."

"And by then, she was targeting Alucard, right?"

Integra replied, "I'm glad you understand, Miss Conroy. We will discuss more about Celia Hamil later on; you can voice your opinion then. For now, you should retire to your room. You've had a long journey, Miss Conroy. You can use this time to familiarise yourself with the manor."

With that, the room began to scatter and I was left sitting, blinking blankly. Captain Bernadotte said he'd volunteer to show me my room, but Integra stopped him and opted for Walter as a 'safer choice'. I guessed I'll get to talk more to Captain Bernadotte and Seras later on.

In the guest room Integra provided, Walter left me to my own affairs and I was resting for at least thirty minutes; I then pulled the curtains over the window so I could get changed into something more casual; I was busy sorting through my suitcase and finally, I came across a pair of nice, clean jeans and hastily stripped myself of my skirt, shoes and tights before pulling the jeans on. I stood back up and stared at myself in the full-length mirror.

Urgh.

I look horrible.

Look! What the - ? What are these? They're wobbly, squishy, squashy, rubbing against each other, and hanging over my unsightly kneecaps. Also, there's no gap between my legs. Seras has a gap. And it's a big gap. Where's mine? Sure, she's taller, but that's no excuse. I waggled my hips in front of the mirror, looking at myself from a front view and a rear view. My butt looks big. I wiggled around, shaking my waist from side to side. I could hear something jiggle. Huh? Oh. It's flab. Jiggle jiggle jiggle.

"Pizza Girl."

"WAAH!" I screamed and turned round. "Alucard!" I shrieked, at the sight of the tall, brooding vampire who was situated near my bed, "Uh…How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough." He replied; I squeaked but he ignored that. "Pizza Girl. If you are finished admiring yourself, I have a message to reiterate on behalf of my master."

"Okay, go on."

"My master would like us gathered at her office tonight after the evening meal."

"Oh, I see. What will we be talking about?"

"A solution." said Alucard as I stormed past him towards the window to pull back the curtains. "For this ridiculous predicament." He finished.

"You mean the whole 'love potion' thang."

"Yes." He agreed, and his right eye winced slightly when I said 'thang', "...The sooner I rid myself of this wretched curse, the less I need to deal with you and your incessant yapping."

"You're such a _nice_ person, Alucard." I moaned as I turned back round only to realise he had followed me to the window and now he was standing close to me. Very close. I stared at the flimsy, puffy cravat milimetres from my nose, then up. Alucard was staring at me too. It was the exact same atmosphere in the car where he stared at me with...with... "Ah! What are you doing?"

He had slipped a long gloved finger under my chin and I was now being forced to look up high with my head back that it was beginning to hurt my neck. Alucard leaned down, and I swallowed down slightly; his lips hovering above mine cautiously. I thought he would kiss me. I'm not prepared! I just had a tuna sandwich! I'm not ready! As he leered closer and closer, I stared cross-eyed at his parted lips, and soon, my lips began to automatically pucker. But before anything else could happen, there was a slight tug somewhere behind my back and I realised he had grabbed my hair, pulling my head back even further.

"Owww...You're hurting me, Alucard, let go - !"

"_Silence_."

I quietened down immediately. His tone was different. It was far worse than usual. It was...

Cold.  
Cruel.  
Callous.

I swallowed down uncomfortably. Was I in for a world of hurt? But I didn't do anything! I did nothing, I tell you, nothing!

"_You_," Alucard began, in a sultry murmur, and I whimpered slightly, "Since you will be staying here from now on...there is something you must know..."

"W-What?"

"You are not in control here. You are nobody. You may try to tempt and bait me as much as you like, for your own amusement, your own entertainment...whatever your reason, I have ceased to care...But rest assured, I will never love you. I will never reciprocate your feelings. I will never be fond of you, nor will I ever 'like' you. And I shall not care, if this..."

He let his finger trail from my chin, down the column of my neck to my collarbone, and let his fingertip stop at the section where my heart should be in my chest.

"_Breaks_."

* * *

**Notes:**

Ooh la la! So we finally get a taste of Alucard's 'I'm Practically Insulted by You!' although I hope I haven't gone overboard or anything. Yeah, I'm just going to try and put the peeps who did not appear in Oh My Alucard to show here so I wrote about Pip. To celebrate Chapter 5, I've also put up **Profiles **of 2 characters, although you can actually determine more from the story rather than me just writing things down AND remember folks...things aren't always what they seem...

(PS Double brownie points to anyone who sees the tie between the surnames...):

**Name:** Narsha Conroy

18 years old. She is the third born, with 2 older sisters, and inevitably finds herself constantly having to look after/out for the youngest sister. She is misunderstood by her parents, and is also most likely a recent high school drop-out, working as a pizza delivery girl until she met Alucard. After a failed relationship which scarred her emotionally and physically, she has become self-conscious of herself.

**Name:** Celia Hamil

The leader of the Lily Witches who has bird/tree-like hagwomen minions. She used to be a manager and she was married but vanished two years ago and re-appeared roughly a year ago. Although her motives are to ensnare Alucard to control the world, whether she actually likes Alucard is still unknown.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys! Sorry for an extremely late update. Gotta be honest here and say I forgot about this story for a while. I also changed the cover of this story to make it more serious! Ohhh yes this story is as serious as Oh My Alucard! Well, maybe not that kind of serious, partially cos of Narsha -_-""

I have also gotten rid of chapter titles for this fic, and I actually think I may have established the wrong set of atmosphere for this story. Sure, its humour, but there are serious undertones to it as well.

Nevertheless, THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVELY REVIEWS! YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MAKING THIS STORY HAPPEN COS I WANTED TO QUIT TT_TT (really, I did)

The tie between the surnames was Batman-related (yeah I know, I'm a batgeek). 'Conroy' is the surname of the voice actor who provides Batman's voice in the cartoons and video games and Hamil is the surname of the voice actor who provides the Joker's voice. Hehehe.

PS. Sorry if this chapter doesn't make any sense. Running out of ideas FFFFF!

* * *

**~ I'm So Into You ~**

* * *

_..._

_The Art of Tolerating Alucard_

_..._

* * *

"I bet I can spit a bigger ball of gob than you."

"No, you can't."

"Wanna bet?"

"Fine, you're on!"

Urgh.

After Alucard pulled some of my hair out, I ran out of my room wailing and clutching at a newly-acquired bald spot. I saw Captain Bernadotte who was smoking at the men's sleeping quarters downstairs and he asked me if I wanted a cigarette when I stopped in front of him. I shook my head because I quit when I was 16 and he laughed and said I must have been with the wrong crowd when I was in my younger years. I told him I was turning a new leaf, and then he'd invited me to watch his soldiers train.

At first I thought I'd see hot, handsome guys with bulging pecs and awesome hairdos but all I got were ugly old men heaving and sweaty much like Manboobs Bob (only a lot less sweatier and manboob-less). They took one look at me and laughed. Maybe they were expecting another slim, tall and slender, big chested female, but noooope. All they got was me, some scrawny kid chewing gum with knobbly knees and jiggling flab. Well boohoo sorry to disappoint. Sorry to NOT fit your expectations. Without paying attention to me for more than five seconds, the men of Wild Geese thought it was funny to hold a spitting contest so I decided to get the hell out of there - I can be immature but even I think that 'spitting contests' were just naff.

And then I was storming down the corridors of Hellsing when I saw a familiar big red man standing in the middle of the tiny hall.

"Oh, it's you again, Mr You-Can-Love-Me-but-I-Will-Never-Love-You." I snorted, as Alucard finally stopped materialising from out of nowhere and turned round.

"Pizza Girl." He said.

"Alucard." I said.

There was a brief silence, then -

"Back for Round Two? Want to pull some hair from my head again? Bring it on! In fact, lemme point out a good place – how about here, at the top of my head? Or maybe here, at the base of my neck. Or why don't you pull some hair from the side of my face? That's a good place, too! You know, I don't even know what you did with my hair from last time. You had this giant fistful of it, and you were_ laughing_. Did you run off with it somewhere going 'My preciouusssss' before rubbing it all over your nose and lips and eyeballs and the rest of your body like that creepy crazy shrieky guy from those **Charlie's Angels** movies?"

The vampire merely stared at me from behind his orange specs, before he was roaring with laughter in seconds, "Pizza Girl. You might want to think twice before you impose such ludicrous accusations."

"It's not that ludicrous." I replied.

He turned to me and smirked; it was that smirk. THAT SMIRK. My eyes widened drastically and suddenly my heart grew two sizes bigger than usual. I swallowed down loudly and my cheeks went warm. Lovehearts were in my eyes, probably.

Alucard is sexy.

So sexy.

He's free.  
And he's single.

Oh mah gash, my ovaries! I think they, like, exploded! Ahhh! No more! I can't take anymore of this…

Sure, he pulled out my hair but right now, Alucard looks like a GOD compared to those spitting hairy ape-men I saw in the courtyard ten minutes ago. No, Alucard** is** a god. I've never met anyone as good-looking as him, that's for sure. He's so good-looking, it's a sin. It should be illegal. A mug like that is sure to make hundreds of ovaries explode into a mushroom cloud. But I actually like how prim and proper he is. He can be a gentleman and he never makes any perverted jokes but scaving remarks and he doesn't tolerate me when I'm being stupid.

You know what? It's what I need. He's my inner light. He's the right to my wrong. Oh Alucard, I forgive you. You can pull out all my hair if you want, if it makes you happy. No wait! He said these nasty things to me earlier on. Gnnnagh what's happening to me? Why am I suddenly saying such things? No, in fact, why do I have all these weird, contradictory, ever-changing feels? And I have so many feels, too. I hate it!

Oh, what's the point anyway?

He said he'd never like me, ever.

_Even if I was the last person on earth?_

"Yes." He replied.

"Will you stop reading my mind without my permission?" I barked, fists clenching. "And what did you do to my hair?"

Alucard's smirked turned upside down and he began stepping closer to me that I was backed up against the wall again. Oh nooo! He was probably going to grab at my hair like last time! I instinctively clutched at my head protectively but he was snarling, "I could hardly care less about your hair." He suddenly grabbed me by the back of my neck and pulled me close to him. "Your hair is the least of your _problems_." He purred, his lips ghosting near my neck.

I swallowed down noisily for the umpteenth time, and he chuckled.

"Yes, your neck is very appealing..." He crooned, before he ran his finger over my nape, "I'd kill to sink my fangs into you and crush you, to see that spray of blood erupt from your flesh. In fact, I want your blood painted over the walls of my basement. I want your brains on my floor, your arteries snipped and shredded, your heart in my grasp; I want to squeeze the life out of your infuriating self. So tell me, Pizza Girl, does the urge to sing me _more _love songs beckon to you?"

"You're crazy!" I yelled at him, although I had stammered slightly, "Ohhhh, you'd like that, won't you? Me singing you more luuuurv songs, something like: '_I'll always be true to youuuuuuu, spending my days pitching woo to youuuuu_'. Well TOUGH! I'm done! No more songs! You don't deserve them! How Sir Integra tolerates I have no idea! I bet you she has this mantra she keeps rehearsing in her head. It probably goes like this: TtttTTttOOOOooooLLLl lllllEerrrrAAaaa TtttttEEEEEEee AllLLLlllUUCCcccAAARRdddd – "

I noticed he wasn't looking at me.

Immediately, I stopped and followed the direction of his gaze to see a portrait near our left.

It turned out to be a large painting on the wall of this really ugly, dark-haired man with bug-eyes with an ugly red hat. You know, I really don't get art these days. An elephant with paint on its heels could stomp around on this giant canvas and it can fetch millions. I might as well just throw some paint over Tabbi and let her roll around on paper and hope it can sell online for an insane price.

Wait a minute.

I squinted my eyes and inspected the plaque underneath the portrait in more detail. It read:

**Vlad Tepes aka Vlad the Impaler. **

**The Ambras Castle portrait, c. 1560**

Frick! It's an artist's portrayal of Alucard in his old medieval days. I shakily swerved my eyes over to the brooding vamp and hoped he hadn't read my mind but now he was giving me the Stanley Kubrick stare and my mouth formed a tiny 'o'. Guess this awkward situation deserves a big Oops-I-Did-It-Again.

"Is that you? You look…pretty." I blurted out, in a bid to turn the situation around. "In fact, you don't really look like that at all. Oh, I see, it's because of the moustache, isn't it?"

Alucard said nothing and turned away from me to stomp down the corridor. At the same time he turned round, his trenchcoat tails slapped me right in the face. Oww! That was purely intentional!

"Hey! Where are you're going?" I shouted, clutching at my cheek, and I suddenly remembered the angry argument we'd had earlier. "I'm not finished yet! I've got plenty more from where that came from! I got plenty to say to you! I'll never like you, either, even if you were the last person on earth! I'd rather die than repopulate the earth with our babies!"

Can vampires have babies anyway? I shuddered inwardly at the thought of vampiric infants. Vampiric, crying, belching, giggling, drooling, gurgling, pooping little toddlers in diapers.

_Vampire babies. With little, itty bitty fangs and red eyes, drinking blood from milk bottles…eek! _

Alucard didn't seem intent on paying an ounce of attention to me so I huffed and kicked at a small stone on the lush red carpet and sulked to my room. Maybe coming to Hellsing was a bad idea. It feels like one. I think I need a mantra to tolerate Alucard! I left the corridor hurriedly and went down another set of winding stairs; this time, I'd accidentally entered one of the many basements Sir Integra warned me about some time ago. I heard Alucard lives in a basement. Which basement he lived in, I'm not sure. I might as well go back upstairs now. But wait! What was this? I sauntered towards one of the black doors that said KEEP OUT.

There was this small window on the door and I peeped inside.

A pool.

There was a swimming pool inside the room.

It was Olympic-sized. Holy mama!

Neat! Hellsing has a pool! But why does the sign say KEEP OUT with this big giant red cross on the NO SWIMMING sign? Oh well. If it's one smart thing I know, and that is rules are meant to be broken! I tried the door handle and found that it opened easily; it had been unlocked. I stepped inside and peered around the dark, dark brick-walled room. It was very large and dark, with minimal light from little bulbs from the ceiling which were flickering dimly. The water of the pool looked dark, too. It also smelled like… fish?

Oh well, I could do with a swim anyway. Swimming always calms my nerves. I hastily took off my t-shirt and denims and left myself in my swimsuit. Yeah, I brought a swimsuit to Hellsing. They really should have a brochure outlining their facilities. Next time I'll be more prepared.

I inched towards the pool and tested the water with my big toe. It was reasonable, not too cold or too warm. With a smile, I slipped inside the cool water and I was floating on my back happily when I heard it.

A splash.

It came from somewhere behind me, in the pool. I rolled to my side so I was back to floating upright in the water. "Hello? Is someone here?" I looked around. There was no-one. I'm not stupid to think 'maybe I was hearing things' because I wasn't. I heard it. It was loud and the water's rippling faster, as though something had disturbed it.

Whatever it was, I didn't know.

It was probably a good time to get out of the pool now… I began swimming to the edge of the pool, but then it happened: something wrapped around my left ankle and in seconds, I slipped under the cold, chilly water.

I screamed as I went completely under, although by that time, all that escaped my throat was a stream of frothy bubbles gurgling out from my nose and mouth. There was a grip on my leg that wouldn't go. It was slimy and freezing-cold and I glanced around frantically in the darkness of the pool only to see something large and grey beneath me. It only let go when a bullet penetrated the water's surface and skimmed through the pool, whizzing past me like a jet in slow-mo. I could see the little bubbles following the bullet, following the force of the bullet that had been ejected when someone pulled the trigger. I didn't think you could hear sounds in the water, but there was a terrible screeching noise, like nails on chalkboard, and I winced in agony. Yet once I was released, I kicked and paddled to the surface as quickly as I could, and I sucked in a well-loved breath of oxygen before I made a frantic swim to the pool edge and climbed out.

Alucard was waiting for me; he grabbed me by the back of the neck and lifted me up to my feet where I stood, sopping wet and bedraggled. "What are you doing here?" He barked, as he watched me pant and gasp heavily, "Did you not read the sign?" Then he was gesturing to the Keep Out sign and the No Swimming sign.

"I did, but I wanted to take a swim."

He flicked his red eyes down to my swimsuit. One scarlet eye twitched. "…And what is that repulsive adornment? You are barely covered. Where is your sense of modesty?" He snarled furiously at me.

I glanced down at myself. "It's a swimsuit."

"You brought a… 'swimsuit' to Hellsing?"

I shrugged.

He gritted his teeth, and I cringed slightly. "This is not a holiday resort, Pizza Girl," He snarled, before he took off his coat and draped it over my shivering self, buttoning it to my neck. However, I was no longer looking at him, but at the surface of the pool.

"…What was that?" I asked, my voice was wobbling uncontrollably, "What was that thing that tried to drag me under the water?"

They had monsters in Hellsing? Figures, I didn't think Alucard would be the only one.

"It was not a 'thing', Pizza Girl. It has a name, and I don't want you to come here ever again. Next time, I won't be here to protect you."

…Protect?

I whipped my head up to him in shock. "…Hey, now that I think about it…what are you doing here anyway? I thought you were angry at me and I thought you hated me. You just saved me. You were worried? Did you…come to check up on me?"

His face faltered slightly.

"Oh. It's the potion acting up again." I brushed him off with a shrug, "Whatever."

He gave me this long look but said nothing except seize my wrist and drag me away from the pool edge. I grabbed my discarded clothes as we passed the exit, then to the pool where I could see bubbles forming. But nothing appeared on the surface except from a large, grey fish fin. It looked smooth and sleek, and it zipped through the water for a brief moment, before disappearing into the dark depths…

* * *

**Notes:**

1. Errm the song Narsha made up was from The Simpsons, one of the Christmas episodes, I think.

2. When Narsha comes up with an example mantra to tolerate Alucard, there's gaps, but it's not an error, cos this site is so stoopid it never came up so I had to put the gaps in TT_TT


End file.
